Finding Him

F O U R

My eyes follow down to the boy who casts behind the older man. He looks about my age. Double digits.

"Hi." The brown-haired boy says, not a pinch of a smile noticeable. He seems sad.

I don't reply back.

"Do you know how to speak?" The older man spits at me and I jump slightly at his sudden anger. Now, I want to go. I don't want to be alone anymore.

I tighten my hold on the swing.

The man reaches out to grab ahold of my arm and I scream, jumping off the swing and away from him.

My heart feels weird like it's running.

He pulls on my wrist and I kick him in the private area, real hard like papà taught me. He lets go of my wrist and I use this as an opportunity to run fast like a race car.

Before I'm far enough away, I still hear the older man mutter something at me.

"Just as big of a pain in the ass as your father was."

• • •

"Ellie meet your new foster parents, Josh and Vivianne." I huff, pouting.

"Y'know, Gills, I read somewhere that I can get emancipated." I mess up the pronunciation. "Let me do it and I'll be out of your hair."

"Nice try kid. Four years too short on that one." Hills chides me with a pointed look. My body deflates like a crinkled balloon.

"Don't worry, Ellie. I promise, you'll like it here. Just give us a chance!" Vivianne says kindly. It's almost like she wholeheartedly cares about me, but that'd be insane.

I keep quiet, arms crossed.

That's what the other four foster homes I've had in two months said too.

They all lied. Stupid, stupid unkept promises.

"Aright, Ellie. I have to go now." Gills tells me. "I'll check back in soon."

Gills is basically my social worker. I have one of those too but normally she does nothing but find me the homes and checks in. Gills made a deal with my social worker to take me to houses and help me get settled in. I'm at least grateful for that.

Gills told me once that if he didn't already have three kids to worry about, I'd be living with him. He said once that he wished that he could adopt me but he can't. I understand, he has his own family. I get it.

"I'll show you to your room." Vivianne says excitedly. Her husband's eyes stay stuck on me the whole time. It makes me feel weird.

I hug Gills tightly. He tells me that he'll be in touch. I miss him whenever he leaves.

I feel empty in the house with a book-bag full of clothes. I keep half of my stuff at the police station with Gills and half with me to wherever I go.

I walk into a small bedroom, decently sized. It looks like a model bedroom you'd find in a furniture store. Frames of stock photos, pretty pink pillows, white comforter and a sparkly lamp. Naomi would love this room if she was here.

When Vivianne leaves, I pull myself under the covers. They're cold from not being used. I relax. Having a bed is better than the floor. I'm thankful for this.

I fall into a trance of forgettable thoughts until I fall asleep. It doesn't take long to.

When I'm woken up, it's by a heavy presence beside me. I tense feeling the body above my face. I want to run but I have no where to go.

"I know you're awake." The deep voice becomes recognizable as Josh. My new foster dad. "You can talk, sweetheart." His hand rubs my shoulder and the suddenness of the action makes my eyes snap open. "Shh." He hushes me.

I can't move. I'm scared.

"What— wha—"

He hushes me again. I don't like the feeling in my stomach. I don't like it. I don't like it.

"You're a very pretty little girl." He tells me softly.

I look out of the windows and see it's dark outside. It's nighttime so Vivianne is probably sleeping.

"Pretty girls deserve to feel good." I shift away from him but his hand clamps on my shoulder. Tears puddle in my eyes. "Do you want to feel good, Ellie?"

I can't open my mouth to speak. I can only shake my head no. Repeatedly.

"That's okay." Josh's body is heavy on mine. "I'll show you what it's like to feel good. But it's our little secret, okay?"

I feel my chest shaking, my heart racing.

I want to go home.

I just want to go home.

Josh slips his hand under the covers.

"Are you good at keeping secrets Ellie?"

I'm scared. I don't want to answer but he squeezes my hip bone and I shriek quietly, nodding a bunch of times.

"Good. Good girl." He coos.

I don't like where I feel his hand.

"We're going to have a lot of fun, Ellie. I promise."

Promises, I've always hated them.

Promises never end how they're supposed to. I'll never forget all the broken promises. I'll never be lucky enough to forget.

• • •