Cruel Summer - Conrad Fisher

thirty-six

The beach house was quiet, something I'm not used to. There's no music playing or old movies on TV. Steven and Jeremiah aren't obnoxiously singing around the house, and Belly, Isla and I aren't sitting up in my room, gossiping into the early hours of the morning. Our house is always alive, buzzing with excitement, but after the bombshell dropped tonight, none of us are in the mood.

Belly, mom and Isla all followed me into my room as we entered the house, leaving the boys to talk to their mom. I didn't want to leave Conrad. I wanted to hold his hand and tell him everything was gonna be okay, but I couldn't even believe it myself, things were changing whether we wanted them to or not, and I felt hopeless. "I feel so stupid," Belly cries, laying on her side, facing away from mom, who's lying between us.

"Honey," Mom runs her hands through my little sister's hair, "why would you feel stupid?"

"Because all summer long, I've been thinking about myself," Belly cries. My entire body felt heavy, weighed down by my sadness, numb. I've always been a problem solver, the kind of person who always knows what to say, but right now, I feel helpless, like I'm sinking. "And Susannah was sick, and I didn't even know."

"That's how she wanted it," Mom hugged Belly from behind, her one arm lingering to hold my hand. "It's exactly how she wanted it."

"How long have you known?" Belly asks, sniffling, "both of you."

I take in a shaky breath, tears brimming my eyes once more. It felt like I'd never stop crying, everything about Susannah's sickness finally hitting me like a ton of bricks. "Since my accident," I answer, and Isla, who's sitting at the foot of my bed, lets out a concerned breath.

"Flo," Mom gasps. When she pulls me into her arms, I don't argue, allowing my mother to hold me. Instead, a Sob escapes past my lips, salty tears streaming down my face as my mom holds the back of my head in her hands. Her fingers running through my tangled hair. "I'm so sorry you've been carrying this all by yourself, sweetie."

"I-I'm not the only one," I remind her after I've caught my breath, choked up sobs causing me to stutter as I looked up at my mom sadly. She's probably been carrying this for longer, and yet she's kept a brave face all summer. I don't know how she did it. Then, as if I've given her permission, mom breaks too, holding me even tighter in her arms.

I hear sniffling on the end of my bed and open my shut eyes to look at Isla. She's got the quilt Susannah made me tucked in her arms, hugging it as she cries, quietly, as if she's trying not to disturb us. "I-Isla," Belly stutters. She scoots closer to my mom, an empty spot beside her.

Understanding my sister's request, Isla shuffles over, laying down on my sister's side. She might not have known Susannah for long, but that doesn't make the hurt less real. Susannah was the kind of person who made you feel special during your first meeting, the kind of person you couldn't help but love. She was magic, and it didn't matter if Isla had known her a month or her whole life... the thought of losing her still hurts.

I don't know how long we've been crying when Steven enters the room, the door squeaking as he pushes it open. His face is red, and his eyes swelled up with tears, "She's not gonna get better, is she?"

He sounds as hopeless as I feel, and the question alone makes me cry a little harder. Because as much as I know the answer, I don't want to hear it out loud. "No," Mom shakes her head.

Belly cries harder, and I scoot closer to mom, tiredly raising my arm towards Steven. My queen-sized bed has never been this full, and we're so squished we can barely move, but no one cares as Steven climbs in beside me, hugging me.

None of us comfort one another or try to reassure each other that it will be okay. We all knew it was bullshit. How could anything be okay when Susannah was sick? How would we ever go on again without her?

☀️

I don't know how long the five of us were lying there, all holding on to one another. I clung to my mom and Steven as if they were the only way to keep me afloat. My sadness is so overbearing. It felt like I was drowning in it. Eventually, mom decided to go downstairs and make some food, kissing each of our heads before she left, and Steven hugged us all before going to call Shayla, who had been blowing up his phone since we left.

"I just feel so useless," I admit, still lying in my bed, my dress sprawled around me. Belly and Isla had both stood to change, stealing comfy clothes from my closet. I had no energy to stand or change, my tears finally coming to a halt. "Conrad and Jere are both ways too young to be going through this alone. I just wish I could help."

"Susannah wouldn't want you to put your life on pause for her," Belly reminds me, sighing. Because it was true, Susannah would drop everything for us, but she'd never let us do the same for her.

But there's one thing I've learned this summer, that sometimes, putting other people first doesn't necessarily mean putting their happiness above your own. I loved helping people, and I loved being able to be there for the people I loved. It makes me happy. I always thought to be happy I needed to do what I wanted and what benefited me most. My visions for this next year were so hazy; I would write and work at the bookstore near my house... maybe I'd travel and see new places? I had no idea. Now though it seemed so obvious, I knew exactly what I needed to do with my life.

Correction: I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

I wanted to be there for Susannah and help make things easier. I wanted to help Jeremiah with his homework and make sure he got to school on time... I wanted to hold Conrad when things got hard and reassure him he wasn't alone. I wanted to be there for the good days when Susannah had energy and wanted to go vintage shopping and even the bad days when the entire world would feel like it was crumbling around us.

I wanted to be with the Fishers.

"Maybe I don't have to," I sit up, and both Belly and Isla turn to look at me, shocked by my sudden energy. "I know she won't believe me, but helping her wouldn't be putting my life on pause..."

"Flo," Isla sits on the end of my bed, confused. "What are you trying to say?"

"I think I know where I need to be in the fall," I admit, letting out a shaky breath. It wouldn't be easy, seeing Susannah get worse, but I also can't imagine myself anywhere else. I want to be with her, to take care of her and make sure that everything's okay. I wanted to be with Jeremiah and Conrad, to help them when it all got too much. "I have to go to Boston."

 Bleh, so much sadness... but Flo finally knows what she wants to do for the next year... so things may be looking up for her and Conrad 🤷🏻‍♀️