ALL THE WORDS WE COULDN'T SAY

E I G H T

I pulled down my top and told him to fuck off. But when the thrill wore off, I was met with crippling disgust at myself. Killian, unintentionally or not, was a constant reminder of my past. Like an open photo album, his presence always showed me the times when I hated myself the most. The times when a rough hand would snake around my neck and up to my mouth, holding it shut so I couldn't make a sound. The times when a perverted voice whispered in my ear 'show me your tits' and I helplessly obliged. Now I was willingly flashing a stranger the same parts of my body I once desperately wanted to hide.

I landed a cup near the edge of the table. Killian drank it like it was fucking water. His adam's apple bobbed elegantly and I had to focus hard on choosing someone to pick a dare. One thing I refused to acknowledge was how satisfyingly he'd matured (physically). At fifteen, he was shorter by a few centimetre than I. He was scrawny and pale, with a high-pitched voice that always seemed to crack. Now thinking back to it, I was dumbfounded at how he managed to stay at top of the food chain in our school with an appearance like that. But then I reminded myself, money. Everything always linked back to money. It just wasn't fair that he got to develop into good features whilst hoarding a rotten core beneath that smooth surface.

I picked a girl with platinum blonde hair, bleached brows and a shit-ton of piercings.

"I dare you to put ice in your boxers and leave it there for a full minute."

It was a fun sight, I'll have to admit. I almost snorted hearing the painful gasps erupt from Killian's mouth, his eyes squeezing in agony at he waited the long sixty seconds. Was it the alcohol that made me wonder if that was how he looked when he...

Stop it, Persy.

I shuddered away the despicable thought. Killian and anything remotely sexual needed to be kept light-years apart in my mind.

After violently shaking away the ice, he threw the ball. It missed. I threw it and landed. Lovely. Another dare for him.

I picked a boy this time. His hair was slicked down and had garnered a large pair of sweat stains on his t-shirt. He looked like the type of guy who'd want Killian to do something embarrassingly stupid, like have 'cocksucker' written across his back and go around shirtless all night.

"I dare you to give the next person who walks past the best snog you've ever given."

I guess I was wrong.

Another silence breached the space between us. Killian gave me an unreadable expression. Was he silently saying sorry for going through with this dare? If that was the case, then why? I was certainly glad he didn't have to do the dare with me, but why would he even hesitate? He was a fucking Libertine. He'd done way more than snog a stranger, why would this be any different?

"Yes, Killian." Nathan clapped like a cheerleader. "Show them your skills."

A girl walked past. She was shorter than me, with big brown eyes and copper hair that curled towards the ends. She was pretty. Really pretty. A bubble of discomfort brewed in my stomach as I watched him whisper something in her ear and her head nod in acceptance. He leaned down, his hand travelled up to her jaw to bring her closer. Her pink lips parted just as he made contact with them.

"Remember tongue!" The boy who dared him called out. He'd already formed a semi from watching them. I should've known picking a boy meant dares like this. He probably spent half his time watching porn.

There were many reasons for why I'd feel uncomfortable watching Killian lock lips with a girl. One, I hated seeing him enjoy anything, and he was clearly enjoying this. Two, Killian was the only one who knew about my sexual abuse (and then used it to one-up me later), so witnessing him in this predicament would obviously evoke such a reaction. There were many reasons. But jealousy? That was far off the list of possibilities.

•

"What? I'm not getting any better?"

I pushed myself off the edge of the stage. "No. you're too stiff. Stop making it look like you're being held against your will."

"I kind of am if we're being honest?"

"You want to pass this class? Then start acting like your life is on the line."

"No. You need to start doing your job. If I fuck this up, the blame will be put on you."

I snorted. "You have to meet me halfway for this to work."

"I'm doing my best here."

I considered the idea that popped into my head. Was it risky? Yes. But I was pretty much out of options. "What are you doing after school?"

Killian froze. "I can't be seen in public with you."

"You didn't answer my question."

"I have additional maths til five." Holy fuck he really was a stuck-up genius.

"What about after?"

"What do you mean?" I rolled my eyes.

"I mean when are your parents coming home?"

Killian's eyes widened. A billion possible scenarios must've flashed across his mind. "If you think-"

"Relax. I'm not coming over to your house. I'm just taking an hour or two of your time."

"Oh." He swallowed. "Where-"

"Do you know where the Murphy Lake is?"

"Urm yeah."

"Meet me there after you finish addition maths."

He frowned at my subtle mocking. "You know you could certainly use the extra time since I'm assuming you've never scored more than a fifty in anything."

"Who's the tutor here? Oh, that's right, me. See you at Murphy's."

•

For what seemed like forever, Killian finally released the girl from his hold, her neck was still outstretched, unwilling to part from him. Reluctantly she backed away.

The game ended with Killian winning. Of course, he always wins. Several dares I couldn't even remember later, I went back inside. I'd endured too much of his presence.

Sofia followed me in. "Hey, you okay?"

"Of course. You had your fun with Nathan?" I stirred the subject away from me.

She rolled her eyes. "The deal was twenty pounds to whoever wins. I tried to give it but he wouldn't take it."

"Shouldn't that be a good thing?"

"I guess. But since he didn't accept the money I feel like I'm in debt to him now."

"If he calls in a favour just tell him to fuck off."

"Noted."

Just when I thought I had enough of Killian, I saw him walk toward us, determination lined across his face.