Fat Girl Problems

Fat Girl Problem 2: Low Self-Esteem

     I was getting ready for my second day at Lincoln High. Minus the one girl calling me a fatass, it wasn't such a bad place. Sure people stared, but I expected that. What I didn't expect was making a friend on my first day.

     Turned out Cece was really sweet, smart, and funny. We instantly hit it off after the whole awkward introductions. I was really glad I didn't run from her because I sensed we could be great friends. That was a rare sense.

     I finished putting on blue skinny jeans and a black band tee, my usual casual style. Looking in the mirror, I studied myself. My dad and younger brother constantly told me I wasn't fat, apparently I was just "chubby". I couldn't help but disagree with my weight being incredibly high. To make it worse, I was short. As a teenager that looked huge, so they wouldn't understand.

     Sighing, I stared at my face. I was never pretty either. Even though my mom was gorgeous, I got my dad's less striking features. My blue eyes looked cold, not warm like my mom's brown ones, and my curly brown hair that fell onto my shoulders was usually a mess. I would describe my other features, but they weren't even meant mentioning. Overall I was just unattractive.

     Once again I sighed. My self-esteem was terrible due to the years of insults and dirty looks thrown my way. From what I could tell, it would always be terrible.

     I went to English class early again. I forgot to ask Cece where she'd be in the morning, so I had no one to be with. Surprisingly, I didn't mind that since it allowed me to read.

     Pulling out "Paper Towns" from my bag, I began reading. It was a good book, which was to be expected by anything written by John Green. In my eyes, he was the god of writing.

     After ten minutes of reading I sensed a stare. A stare so intense that I felt goosebumps form on my arm. Pulling my eyes away from the book, I looked to my right and saw the scary boy from yesterday.

     He was just watching me intently from where he sat - the same spot as yesterday. To my surprise his stare wasn't of disgust or arrogance, it was of curiosity. Nervously, I looked back at my book. Low self-esteem meant I also hated when people looked at me at all. It felt like they were viewing my flaws.

     "Hey." I heard him say after a bit.

     My eyes drifted back to where he sat as my heartbeat quickened in fear. I couldn't help but wonder what he possibly wanted. Money? My extermination?

     "Hey," I replied, casually trying to hide my fear.

     My eyes couldn't look at his. I felt sick because unlike Cece, he didn't seem like a sweetheart. In fact, he looked like the exact opposite of that.

      I also lacked social skills due to my low self-esteem. I felt like no one wanted to talk to the "fat girl", so I barely did unless they made the effort. Now that this boy did, I was freaking out. Guys initiating conversations with me were especially rare.

     "Are you new here?" he asked.

     I nodded vigurously as I tried to read again. Usually people took that as a hint to stop trying, but he didn't.

     "What's you name?"

     "...Quinn," I replied hesitantly. "Um, what's yours?"

     Even though I was trying to end the conversation, I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I guess you could say I was a softie.

     "Connor."

     I waited for him to say something after that, but he didn't. My eyes drifted to where he sat and I saw that he was texting. I relaxed a little. There was no need to be scared anymore. I still wondered why he wanted to talk to me though. It was unusual.

                                       
     "Who's that guy?" I asked, pointing at Connor who was playing basketball with his friends.

     "The tall guy with brown hair and nice muscles? He's Connor, Mr. Tough Guy here at Lincoln High," Cece replied. "Why?"

     I frowned. That made sense.

     "He scares me." I shivered from the memory of his menacing eyes.

     Cece laughed. "Join the club."

     My eyes widened as I asked, "You're scared of him?"

     She shook her head. "Surprisingly not, I just think he's a jerk."

     I could help but think back to earlier. If he was a jerk, why did he talk to me? Anger rose within me as I realized it was probably some sick joke. He was talking to me for laughs.

     "What's wrong?" Cece asked concerned.

     "Nothing," I lied, huffing.

     I wouldn't be his punch line, I was smarter than that. From now on I'd be wary of him.

     Opening up my backpack, I looked for my lunch. As I realized it wasn't there I began to panic. I always made sure to eat three meals a day, it was a must do.

     After realizing it wasn't there I asked, trying to remain calm, "Is there anywhere you can buy lunch nearby?"

     "Only the cafeteria," Cece replied, finishing off her own lunch of a single pizza slice.

     I sighed because I expected that. I didn't want to go to the cafeteria though, not when it would be filled with judgeful teenagers. But, I couldn't miss a meal either, so I gave in.

     "I'll be back."

     I got up and walked to the school. Cece and I decided the place we met would be our everyday hang out place, so I was disgusted by the lack of fresh air inside. Ignoring it, I walked to the cafeteria while wondering why I didn't bring Cece along.

     As I reached the cafeteria, I was surprised by the noise. It was loud, so loud that I felt my eardrums ring. People were everywhere doing anything possible. Some were skateboarding, others looked like they were about to rip each other's clothes off as they made out, and a few were actually singing. Sighing, I stood in line for food.

     The food was disappointing. I couldn't help but scowl as I paid five dollars to receive crap. It was better than nothing though, so I took it.

     As I turned around, I suddenly bumped into someone. Thankfully my food was alright, but I couldn't say the same for the boy who was now wearing his lunch.

     Rage filled his eyes as he yelled, "You fucking fatass! I spent ten dollars on that!"

     Giving me a quick scan, he continued, "Since I know you'll eat anything, you better eat the food you dropped so it won't go to waste."

     Laughter erupted around me and my face turned bright red. Doing the usual, I ran out. To my surprise I saw Connor standing at the entrance too. He was staring at me with an expression I couldn't quite place. Knowing he saw that, I suddenly felt more humiliated and tears began running down my face. This was why my self-esteem sucked.