Madness

Chapter 74

~I have crossed oceans of time to find you.~

After a few days I decided that I would keep the baby even if he didn't want it. I knew it was a risky, dangerous and very difficult decision, but by then I had made my choice. I found myself more and more alone lately, searching for the right words to tell him the news. Joanne was now controlling my every move. I was very careful with her, afraid she might do something sudden. I put off the day when I had to have this conversation with Douglas as long as I could, but I knew I could not keep it a secret from him forever. I tried very hard to talk to him about it, but it seemed impossible. Every time I tried to tell him, it was like I had a block. Sometimes I would manage to start the conversation and then change the subject. Sometimes I would try to start talking when he was not looking at me, and most of the time I would just open my lips and not even manage to breathe. One night, nervously twirling a strand of hair around my finger, I lay on his chest in his room. I felt a certain hunger, although I had eaten a hearty dinner. He had the first inkling that something was wrong when he gently stroked my hair.

"Is something wrong? You have been silent for days."

"What?" I shook my head to clear the thoughts swirling in my head. I looked up to meet his worried eyes. "No, don't worry, I'm just a little tired."

He looked at me confusedly. I rubbed my cheek against his chest and moved a little closer to him.

"Douglas, do you hold me tight?"

He held me close as I asked and kissed my hair. I wanted to enjoy the last moments with him, even though he had changed dramatically, I did not know how he would take the news of the baby, after all, I did not know what to think either. I was afraid of his reaction, afraid that he would leave me, that he would leave me if he knew the truth. I was aware that if I did not tell him, there would be no change in the situation, but I would gain time, time with him. I felt lost in this situation. On the one hand, I had accepted the pregnancy and was happy with the baby. On the other hand, I didn't want to lose Douglas because I knew how he thought. Sometimes I would close my eyes and have visions of what we could be as a family, what he could be as a father, but that was the end of the dream. Fortunately, everyone in the house was buzzing about the party in his honor and no one paid attention to me, so I had a chance to be alone. On the night of the party, I was not in the mood to show up. I had made the decision to tell him about the pregnancy that very night, I knew it was the best choice, but that didn't stop me from being scared. I took a shower before putting on a dress. When I came out, still with wet hair and water dripping down my body, I sat down in front of the mirror. I ran my hands down my still flat stomach and asked myself if I was ready for what was to come. I wondered what I would do if he did not accept the baby. I knew it would be difficult with two, but alone it would be impossible. I don't know how long I stood there staring at my reflection in the mirror, running my hands down my belly, I only know that at one point I was cold. I only recovered when I felt his arms around my waist and his lips on my neck. When his hands rested on my stomach, I felt an unnatural warmth that made my heart flutter. I felt protected and safe in that moment when I met his gaze in the mirror. He rested his chin on my shoulder and pulled me closer to him. He made me put my hands on his. The desire to stay there was impressively strong and I almost imagined him happy as soon as he heard the news.

"You ready for the party?"

"I just need to get my hair dry."

He pulled away from me and sat down on a small chair. He lit a cigarette and made me feel the bitter cold of the room. His eyes scanned every inch of my body differently, almost strangely from other times, but I tried to ignore him as I searched for a dress in the closet.