Lavender | Wakatoshi Ushijima

30 | Radiant Regret

Mrs. Ito herself slipped up at the sight of Hana falling apart. Her true cause peeked out.

"I saw the redness of your eyes every time you walked into my literature class for the past two weeks. It's normal for you to experience these mood changed but not at this intensity."

She didn't respond.

"If you need help, reach out. I am willing to listen to you if you need to talk to me, Hana." Mrs. Ito said. Mrs. Ito isn't the emotional type, which Hana liked. She smiled occasionally in class but kept her control over the class. Mrs. Ito could not say anything else to comfort her, she had a difficult time expressing emotions through words, like Hana.

"I will, thank you. If you'll excuse me." She said quickly.

"You are excused." Mrs. Ito responded, hesitant.

She took her bag and rushed out, starting to cry the second she stepped out. Mrs. Ito saw it all. The rushed walking and the hand wiping her cheek. She knew even her name at the end of the sentence shook her but reminded herself not to get involved. She had no right meddling in her business, she was only her literature teacher.

Shut it out, shut it out, shut it out! She thought. She wanted the impossible, not to feel. She didn't want her heart to feel, her eyes to tear, her hands to shake. Feelings can't be denied, but she could force them to be inconceivable if she wanted to.

She went into the bathroom quickly. It was empty, just to her propensity. She went into the stall she usually goes to, the one by the window. She took a seat on the closed toilet, sitting there in silence. There were tears coming out. She never thought anyone would notice or care, her own best friend didn't see her exhausted eyes. She was shocked to the point where she wept into her sleeve stiffly, wetting the fabric. Merely soft and slow cries.

She was sick of existing, sick of feeling, sick of being human. Sick of the accumulating expectations which held her in a stronger chokehold than ever before. She was sick of it and wanted it to end.

She remained in her seated position for another five minutes, taking a bite of her sandwich in there alone. She had no stamina to keep going and still pull a straight face to socialize with anyone at the lunch table. Longing the silence of her own company, she sat in comfortable silence. She liked being alone, just recharging her social battery until she had the will to go back out there.

Though she was enjoying her alone time, she stopped breathing. She inhaled a sharp breath and held it, afraid of being heard. She heard footsteps by the washroom entrance. She shook as she put away the majority of her food that remained. She wasn't in the mood to finish it, she didn't have an appetite anymore or any want for it, with only one bite taken. She washed up by the sink, rinsing her face and washing her hands thoroughly before taking her things outside.

Music played in her ears as the wire rubbed against her neck, resisting the air. It was taking her out of her situation, saving her from it all, plucking her out of reality into her own realm. It helped her escape from her suffocating problems. She didn't know exactly where she was going, but she went wherever each beat and lyric took her.

She took a seat, snapping back to reality, unexpectedly sitting in the same place where she began writing her poem. She didn't understand how she came here on her own. Where she and Wakatoshi talked and walked together, having deep conversations that connected them in unspoken ways. It brought an uncomfortable feeling to her throat and a plunge in her stomach to even think they don't have that anymore, she'd lost it all. It all fell apart in her hands. Everything made her feel terrible now, everything was all connected to him. Every spot, every place, every word, every flower.

She was conscious of all the unspoken words trapped beneath the surface of her throat. She was relapsing into her cycle of regret.

I wish, I wish, I wish. How could I remember all I have to do but forget that? I should've been more aware, more cautious. I wish I told him everything, told him how much he meant to me. Maybe then..

Like radiation, her self hate was stronger than ever. She didn't have the courage, the bravery, or the power to deny it. Like radiation, dejection and pity were all that she could see in every corner everywhere. 

The bell rang. It snapped her out of her thoughts, guiding her to stand up on instinct.

She headed back to class,

heedless of the tall figure that scanned her from afar, ready to approach her.

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Author: WE'VE MADE IT TO CHAPTER 30!! WOOHOOO

thank you for making it this far! it's been an amazing journey. this book is all i've ever wanted to make of my writing and i hope you can love it as much as i do <3