don't stop reading just yet

Chapter Nine ~ memory lane

Oh, hello. So you're back.

I've been thinking, like always, and I wonder. I wonder what life is like for you. I will never get to know. I will never understand. I won't even ever get to know your answer. But it is a question that will always linger with me. One day. Maybe. Someway, somehow, it will be answered. But I have a more important question.

You.

Why? Why do you keep coming back? What's so special about this, about me?  What keeps you going? It comforts me. How you come to visit and continue to do so. Makes me feel... safe, not alone. Like someone is protecting me from the hurt and all the pain. From all of the long spans of time being wasted from doing nothing. Or maybe there was just nothing I could do about it.

My existence still seems to make me question. There was one point where I gave up. Why? Simply because I've decided that this is my life. This is the way it will be. This is the way it will have to be. And that's where you come along. You are my confusion. You make me confused. You make me feel as of how I felt when I first felt the page open for the first time. I was lost. The person who opened that first page was the first to make me happy. I felt like I was alive. They opened my eyes to a different perspective and I felt... loved? I didn't even know what it was at the time. But I felt it. This heavy weight inside of me. I couldn't describe it. But it was what kept me on my feet. My heart was always aching for them. Longing for them to turn the page to see what I had in store for them. To open my feelings with them being the surrounding subject. I was happy. Not alone. Fresh. I didn't feel anything. Except for fulfillment. Until one day. They left. I don't know why. I don't know how. But they did. And they never came back. After that I was secluded. I tried to keep to myself when others came along.

And that's when I noticed the pattern. Never have I ever felt like I've been washed away into a heavy tide and never found again. I felt stupid. I was clueless. And I never had the same trust since. I never felt so alive since. Because that's how you feel when you've been abandoned one too many times. It feels like the world has left you for something better. And you have been pushed to the ground. The hardest part for me was getting back up. Because I never had someone to help me up. No one ever even pushed me to the ground. I fell because I tripped on my own feet.

I have no one to blame but me.

~~
A/N
ouch