bad girl

mourning (2)

lanas pov
anna was a bitch to me for the whole day. i wouldnt have cared normally, but she does it publicly. and then when we're alone, she'll be nice to me. mixed signals at its finest.

i was done with school for the day so i just went back to the dorm. i took out my journal. it was dedicated to luke. everytime i feel stressed or down, i'll write to him. almost as if he were here with me and i was ranting.

hey baby, its lana.
today was pretty rough. i just wanted to say that loving you was the first time in my life where i truly felt like myself. when i met you, i was broken and in pain because of the loss of my parents. i never really understood the privelege of being loved but when i met you, my whole world changed. you opened up my eyes and made me feel like i was finally enough. you set my soul on fire and made me feel things i thought i was incapable of feeling. you held me like i was worth a million dollars and you kissed me like you were scared i was gonna drift away. maybe i should've realized that it was all too good to be true. i got so lost in the feeling of finally loving and being loved that i forgot. i forget that everything i touch. everything i love, i lose. i now know how much it hurts to watch the one person you love slip away. and here i am, to this day...mourning for you. for something that'll never come back.

i love you always,
lana

i sighed and closed my book. anna walked in and i just rolled my eyes. i laid down on my bed and read what i just wrote.

"what's that?"

i pretended not to hear anna's question.

"lana." she came up to me and took my journal from my hands.

"no! give it back!" i tried to reach for it, but it just resulted in anna using her height as an advantage.

"why? what makes you think i won't just read it?" anna chuckled. and then her face went serious again. "fine."

she handed me my journal.

anna's pov
she looked confused. is it really that hard to believe that i'm being nice?

"why aren't you reading it?"

"what?" i asked.

"i thought you would've read it. showed everybody in class."

i clenched my jaw.

"look lana, i'm sorry."

"if you're so sorry, why do it in the first place? you were such a bitch to me today for no reason."

lana looked at me. i couldn't quite grasp what i saw in her eyes. this was new. being vulnerable to somebody i just met.

there was something different about lana. i noticed it when she first moved into the dorm. she had this positive energy. this look in her eyes. everything about her was mesmerizing. and i already messed it up with her.

"i've always been known as the heartless one. the player. the bitch. i've been known as the one who's hooked up with everyone. the one who ghosts people. that's all people see in me. nobody ever try's to make an effort to get to know me. and when they do, i freak and push them away. so yeah lana, i don't mean what i say. and i want to get to know you, but i'm scared. this isn't an excuse. just know that im sorry."

her eyes drifted away for a moment. i just sighed and laid down in my bed which was literally like three feet away from hers. she put her journal under her pillow and looked at me.

"okay then. get to know me."

i furrowed my eyebrows.

"we'll just alternate asking each other questions. by the end, we should know more about each other."

i smiled.

"okay. you start."

lana cleared her throat.

"okay, um have you always loved in la?"

"nope. michigan. born and raised there. how about you?"

"new york. born, not raised."

i furrowed my eyebrows. i looked at her but she clearly didn't want to talk about it so i just let it go.

"now you ask a question."

"okay, uhm..." i thought for a second. i decided to be bold. "have you ever had sex with a girl?"

lana didn't even look phased.

"yep. i'm bisexual, if that's what you wanted to know." she said.

"oh cool. me too. the last time i hooked up with a guy was a year ago though. mainly women. i love women."

lana gave me a weird look before laughing.

"what's so funny?"

"you're cute," i felt myself blush. "and super akward."

"whatever," i rolled my eyes. "you ask a question then.

"dogs or cats?"

"dogs. obviously."

"no way, same! okay, on the count of three say the breed of dog that you want to get."

"okay."

"one...two...three...!"

"husky!"
"husky,"

we said at the same time. we both laughed. we settled down and stopped laughing. we just stared into each other's eyes. for a moment, it felt like time stopped.

lana cleared her throat and broke eye contact.

"okay, i'm pretty tired. tomorrow and sunday we're off. do you maybe wanna hangout?"

i smiled at her.

"yeah. yeah that would be sick."

"give me your phone."

i handed my phone to the brunette headed girl.
she typed something in and handed it back to me.

"that's my snap."

"sick. thanks." i said. she nodded.

"i'm tired. i'm gonna go to the beach."

"can i come?"

she paused and thought for a second.

"you don't have to let me." i blurted.

"no! no, it's completely fine. juat give me a second."

she went to the closet and grabbed a duffel bag and then came out.

"let's go."

i nodded and quickly changed into a bikini. i put a t shirt over and wore some banana boxers under. i followed lana to her car.

lana's pov
once i parked at the beach, i went to the back and got out my duffel bag. i always kept my surfboard in my trunk, so all i had to do was put on my wetsuit.

once it was on, me and anna walked up to shore. i looked at her and she smiled at me.

"so, you surf?"

i nodded.

"do you?"

anna shook her head.

"i'll teach you. come on."

i grabbed a spare board from my trunk and gave it to her. i also gave her an old wetsuit.

we paddled out to the buoy and turned our boards. i taught anna how to paddle and she caught a wave. i clapped for her and smiled.

back in new york, me and luke's apartment was right next to the manhattan beach. me and luke used to go out for a surf every morning.

surfing was kind of my peace. my safe place. everything, all the stress and pain, the sadness all went away when i was surfing. i used to do competitions but i stopped when luke told me he was sick. this is only the second time i've gone for a surf since he died.

i laughed as anna fell of the board. i looked behind me and saw a big wave forming. i started to paddle, and i stood up the moment my board caught the wave. i did a kick flip on the wave before falling off my board.

it felt so good to be back in the water. and for some reason, it felt better with anna.