Saving Sawyer | ✓

Chapter 33 | Who'd Want To Read About Us Anyway?

I realized after our argument that I am pretty much the most impulsive person I know and that when I'm angry, I do and say things that I probably shouldn't - like kicking a punching bag or calling the boy I love an egomaniacal jerk face jackass. I don't really remember the argument that clearly, for some odd reason, but I think that I also made some kind of remark about him getting everything he's always wanted in life (which, obviously, isn't true, considering the fact that he grew up with an alcoholic and abusive father and the fact that his mother kind of abandoned him).

And I think I also said something about how he gets around a lot or something, which I know isn't true, but that was one of the rumors I heard about him way back before I even knew him. I know it was stupid to say and I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet, so if Graham isn't talking to me because he's angry and not because I told him not to, then I completely understand why and I really can't be mad about it.

At the same time though, I'm still pretty mad at him, which, I think, is understandable. I mean, I think any rational teenage girl would be mad if she saw her boyfriend (who she happens to be madly in love with) kissing another girl (who happens to be his psychotic ex-girlfriend), right? Sure, he had an explanation, but it was crappy one and even though I want nothing more than to tell him that I forgive him and for him to hug me and kiss me and tell me that he loves me, it's not that simple.

Also, there's the fact that he knows I went through his phone and he said that I have trust issues and am "unbelievably insecure" which is true, but when you consider everything I've been through, how could I not have trust issues and be insecure?

"You're mean when you're sad," Aspen informs me, reaching over to the table that sits adjacent to the hot tub, picking up her phone and glancing down at it. "Oh, Beckett texted me. He wants to go to the Rail Trail," She tells me. "Wanna come?"

"No, I think I'll stay and cry for a while," I sigh, sinking down in the hot tub so that the water comes up past my shoulders.

"Oh my God, Sawyer, just talk to the boy," Aspen suggests, getting out of the hot tub and wrapping a towel around her body.

"What am I supposed to say though?" I ask, completely serious. "Should I just apologize or something?"

"You should do whatever is right for you," She tells me, pushing her designer sunglasses up to her hairline. "Before that though, what you need to do is figure out what you want. In the past three days, I've listened to you say about 1200 times that you love Graham and you miss him and you want everything to be okay between you guys again and another 1200 times I've heard you cry about how mean he is and say that you don't want to fix it. So, don't go to him without knowing what you want because all you're going to end up doing is confusing the poor idiot boy and making things even worse than they already are, if that's even possible. So, while I'm gone, you think about it. Think about whether or not you think you and Graham can move past this (personally, I know you can, but I'm pretty biased since Grawyer is my baby, but whatever). You say you don't want to move past it, but then you say that you do, so clearly you're confused. So just think about it. And after you've thought long and hard about it, go and tell Graham what you decide. And it's totally your choice, obviously, but if my ship sinks, I'm going to be really sad and depressed."

"Remember a few minutes ago when I said that you're the worst best friend ever and I don't like you?"

"Considering the fact that it happened just about two minutes ago, yes, I do remember," Aspen laughs.

"Okay, well, I take that back; you're a pretty okay friend and I like you maybe like 75% of the time."

"I think that might be the sweetest thing you've said to me in all the years we've been friends," She says, putting her hand over her heart with a smile. Obviously, that's not true - I'm the sweetest friend ever, Aspen is just unnecessarily dramatic. "Anyways, I'm gonna go and get dressed and then wait for Beckett to come and pick me up. Good luck with your love woes."