The Feeling Checklist

19

"Because you're incredible, River."

He shrugs again. "Not to my birth parents. When I was little, I knew they did drugs and shit, and I knew they weren't the best parents, but they were still my parents, you know? And then one day-" He pauses, lets out a deep breath, then continues. "One day, when I was six, they took me to social services and left me there. Just up and left. No goodbye, no see you later, they just... vanished. And all I had with me was a little yellow car that I stole from a motel we stayed in once. That's all I had to my name."

"River..." I lean over to grab his hand, but he's not finished.

"I hate them for what they did, and I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do, and those feelings carried over into every foster home I went to. They still do. The first few months I was placed with Tracy and Steve, I was a total dick to them. I lashed out, I fought back, I disobeyed everything they asked of me, but never once did they get angry. Instead, they were patient and... loving, which is something I'm still trying to get used to, I guess, but I don't want to fuck it up. They even moved three towns over to ensure I got a fresh start. This is the first good home I've ever had, and I'm tired of my birth parents stopping me from being happy, but the memories of them and what they did always seem to ruin every good opportunity that comes my way."

River is venting, opening up, and doing everything I've asked for him to, and the last thing I want to do is scare him off by giving him the wrong advice. Besides, I know firsthand that nothing I  say could make him feel better. No amount of counseling or I'm sorry will take away the pain.

"Scream it out," I suggest instead.

He furrows his eyebrows together. "What?"

I point out into the nothingness and shrug. "I know you probably think it sounds stupid, but it helps. Screaming releases all the pent-up feelings you don't even realize exist."

River is staring at me like I'm a lunatic.

"Seriously, watch." And then I turn my head to look out towards the beautiful landscape and shout, "I FUCKING HATE THAT MY MOM IS SICK!" At the top of my lungs. My voice echoes and causes birds to flee from the trees behind us, but it feels so damn good. More than good.

River seems impressed now, and without further prompting, he turns and screams, "I HATE MY BIRTH PARENTS!"

"There we go!" I clap to cheer him on, waving my hand for him to do it again. "Come on, louder this time."

"I HATE MY BIRTH PARENTS!" he roars, and this time, I can tell he means it. He's breathing heavily once he's finished, and finally, he smiles. "You're right. That does feel good."

And then we laugh, and he tugs me into his lap to kiss him. His lips move hungrily against mine, tugging on my bottom lip to somehow get out his aggression. My hands are firmly on his chest, clenching his t-shirt with both hands to try and hold myself back from tackling him right here and now.

River seems to echo my thoughts, a deep suppressed moan escaping his mouth as his hands run up my back and into my hair. My brown ringlets, perfectly curled just hours ago, are now completely ruined, but I couldn't care less.

"We're getting things off of our chest, right? With this screaming thing?" He's breathing heavily as he looks me directly in the eyes, and when I nod my head, he shifts away from me to yell, "I'M IN LOVE WITH HAZEL WINTER!"

And just like that, all the breath leaves my body at once. I can't think or speak; all I can do is sit here, stunned.

River's gaze softens on me. "I don't expect you to say it back," he says, "but it's been weighing on me, and I needed to get it off my chest."

It feels like I just jumped off a twenty-story building. My stomach feels hollow, but it's not because I'm upset that he said it. I'm...

Letting out a sigh, I reach into the pocket of his sweatpants and take out the worn-down napkin I smuggled from my clutch earlier. I smooth it out between us on the brick, The Feeling Checklist lying face up.

He smiles. "You kept it."

I nod, and since I don't have a pen, I pretend to cross off scared with one of my fingertips because that's exactly what I'm feeling. I'm terrified to say it back. Mainly because I think I love him too.

"It's normal to be scared," he says, then he leans over to squeeze my hand, pulling me back into his lap again. I bring the napkin with me and continue to clutch it in my hands. "But are you going to let that stop you from being happy? I'm done letting my birth parents ruin every good thing for me, and I think you should let yourself be happy, too. I mean, if that's what you want. I'm not exactly sure how it is you feel about me..."

He keeps rambling, and I hold back an eye roll. Is he really that blind to my feelings? How can he not tell that I've been head over heels for him since we met? Well, not even I knew that I felt that way since my emotions have been turned off for God knows how long, so I can't blame him for being unable to read me.

"It's not like we've known each other that long," he continues, "so I wouldn't be upset if you don't feel the same, or if-"

"Oh, for the love of all that is holy!" I breathe out in exasperation, turning to shout into the abyss, "I LOVE YOU, RIVER BECKETT!"

Nothing but the echo of my voice is followed behind me, and I'm panting from my confession, awaiting his reaction. My mouth is so dry, and my hands shake as River blinks several times, retaining the information.

And then he smiles, and it's like a ton of bricks is lifted off my chest. His arms wrap tightly around my waist, and I love how his eyes have gone from chocolate brown to honey. "You serious?" he asks.

"No," I respond dryly, "I'm just really into being emotional for the hell of it."

In one swoop, he swings his right leg from the side of the cliff and steps back onto the balcony, taking me with him so that my legs are wrapped around his waist. "We need to get back to the parking lot ASAP." 

"And why is that?" I tease, running my fingers through those curls of his.

"I think you know exactly why, Hazel."

"Mmm. I think I do," I hum, "but, for starters, if you want to return to the parking lot, you should probably turn around. We're going the wrong way."

He stops mid-walk and glances behind him, a pinkish tint forming underneath his cheeks. "Right," he mutters, and then he swings me around like I'm some monkey so that now I'm piggy-back style on him.

"You can put me down if you want," I say, resting my chin on his shoulder to look at his face. "I wouldn't want the mosquitos to attack your arm. How will you scratch?"

"You are so..." He laughs, and I laugh too, but he tightens his grip around my legs to keep me in place. "I hate you, but I love you all the same."

I kiss his cheek, his ear, and his neck, and I see his chest rise and fall rapidly just from my touch. "I love you too," I tell him. "Even if you do have an irrational fear of mosquitos."

A/N:

I COULDN'T WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW TO POST!!!

iT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT, SO THAT COUNTS... RIGHT?

ARE YOU FREAKING OUT LIKE I AM?!

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