Pretty Broken Butterfly

Erasing You

Except one.

It's a promise I'll be able to keep until I leave this world.

Yeah. If I knew this is where I'd end up when I met Rianna sophomore year, I'd have smiled at her politely and found someone else to help her find her classroom.

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I climb painfully to my feet. A light breeze blows through the campus and brushes against me. The familiar overpowering flowery smell lifts from my shirt and the vomit it triggers is so violent that my throat is raw by the time I'm finished emptying what I had left in my stomach.

I wrench the shirt over my head and toss it on the ground before I take off running. No matter how hard I try, I can't outrun my fuckup. The scent is burnt into my fucking olfactory glands, a constant reminder of my betrayal.

Why did I do it?

Why is that question so hard to answer? I should know it. I should know why I threw a damn explosive into my relationship and blew my entire future up. A future that I fucking wanted.

Charlie.

Her broken eyes are forever etched into my heart.

I'm out here running away when I should be there. If she'd just give me the chance to explain. The chance to apologize.

Call her. I can call her and when she answers, I can beg her to stay long enough for me to get there.

I dig into my pocket for my phone, but they're empty.

Fuck. I've got to find it. All my pictures of Charlie are on there. I have to have them. They're all I have left right now.

A long, low sigh blows past my lips as I rub at my eyes, slowing to a walk.

I can't go rushing back there. Charlie asked one thing of me and that was to give her enough time to get her things from our place. No matter how badly I want to see her and beg her to talk to me, it's not about my wants anymore. It stopped being about my wants the moment I betrayed her.

My thoughts are the only thing to keep me company on my walk back to the apartment.

The day I saw Rianna lost and confused in the hallway, I should have walked away, but I'd spent way too much time with Charlie and her goodness had rubbed off on me. I didn't see any harm in helping the girl find her way before I had to meet Charlie for lunch. As bad as I hate to admit it, even to myself, the first thing I noticed about her was how attractive she was. Not like Charlie. No one would ever hold a candle to my girl, but Rianna had a different allure to her. Her blonde hair seemed to make her brown eyes stand out a little more and her lips had a sort of permanent pout to them.

The thing is, while I found her attractive, it didn't matter. However, Charlie did, and I felt guilty that I had even noticed how Rianna looked. I'd never done it before. Sure, I've seen objectively stunning women. It just wasn't something I really dwelled on, which I think is where my guilt came into play.

After I helped her find her way, I ran late meeting Charlie.

I guess that should have been the first warning sign because in the sixteen years we'd been in each other's lives, I'd probably been late three times, and each of them had a fantastic excuse. That time I didn't. I was late simply because I had gotten to talking to the new girl while I helped her to class and didn't realize that we were actually taking longer than we should have. Charlie seemed to understand though and was even happy that I helped her find her way, which ended up making me feel guilty too.

When Rianna sought me out a few days later for some excuse that I can't even remember, that guilt should have had me just politely walking away.

So, why the hell didn't I? What made me continue seeking her friendship?