Walking In Your Fleeting World || Dazai Osamu

Chapter-7: If I can't even grasp the meaning of life

I was hanging off my last thread when my friend came visiting my house, telling me, Hey, xxxxxx I've done something you wouldn't like. That conversation, that betrayal, it ruined me... I forgot what I was and who I was for a moment. I forgot what Dazai taught me, I forgot every single thing in a second. I picked up the knife to end myself.

I, who'd have never done something like that, tried to end it in a split second. From then on I realized something. Life is nothing, everything can be finished in one second. A second is all it takes, then money, happiness, status, how many friends you have at your funeral crying for you, nothing would mean anything. The time that you spend while living and the memories, that's all that will matter in the end before you close your eyes forever.

"Better life, free life, such never mattered to me." I relax my left elbow on the wooden chair's handle, putting my left cheek in my palm, "As long as I'm around the people I care for, as long as we keep on making memories, I'd go through this manmade hell countless times." I say that with direct eye contact, and smiling. 

He doesn't make a sound, and his face doesn't give away what he's thinking. But I can't help but wonder. What could he be thinking right now? He has no such people he wants to protect yet. Not even Odasaku. Do my words sounds stupid and meaningless to him? 

"I guess asking you such a question was foolish." He replies finally. "What if I take away those people from you, would you finally stop trusting me? Will you still think I'm harmless?"

Okay, asking me that is seriously messed up! If I trace back my reasoning, the reason I am motivated to care for Ryu is definitely that he was going to be Dazai's subordinate. Now I've grown fond of the kids. My only reason to keep living in this cruel world is probably that I want to see Dazai smile... or just witness his life. If he do something "bad" to me, would I be able to hate him? 

GAHHH it's so hard to consider. I wanna pull my hair out!

"Dazai-san is 100% capable of it," I make a sour face. I swear 15-year-old Dazai that has no such people to care for is the hardest to deal with. "But Dazai-San won't do that."

"How do you know that?" He narrows his eyes.

"I just do," I reply. He doesn't respond but I know he doesn't like this reply at all. Maybe I should stop teasing him, and give him a better, logical answer...

"Fine... Dazai-San has nothing to gain from it. Doing that Dazai-San and my relationship have a high chance of getting destroyed, and I'm too important to just let loose yet. I'm too interesting and useful, why would someone as smart as Dazai-San ruin such a great opportunity?"

"So you think I need you?" Dazai laughs. 

Scary and merciless smile, insulting to the core. It's not flattering, it's absolutely devastating being the victim of such a smile. He seems like a stranger right now. 

What was I expecting? My heart feels like it would burst out this second. Being mocked by Dazai, I expected to feel this, yet it's too much to handle already. I'm getting overwhelmed, to the point Karma will get activated at any time. It won't have any effect because I wouldn't be able to peek inside Dazai's feelings, but the black mist will let Dazai know about karma right away. I'm not going to let him know about this so early. 

I stand up, poking his head twice, "How am I supposed to know if you need me or not? I'm answering a hypothetical question!! I just know Dazai san is capable of not doing evil, that's all."

His evil smile fades from his face, confused by my actions he blinks a few times. "I'm capable of not doing evil?"

"Yes." I nod. Yes, bitch! Believe it or not, you're gonna save Yokohama a couple of times. For no reason, just because it's the good thing to do.