Shallow Depth: The Anthology

II. ❈❈❈❈❈

In the end, I ended up agreeing to his proposition of having another cup of coffee. I couldn't help but to say 'yes' because of the situation. I didn't even know what to say, it was awkward as hell. What made it even more embarrassing was the fact that we hugged for like fifteen fucking minutes. God, I don't even know how to face him anymore, my pride and dignity just lost when it comes to him.

"The coffee... taste sweeter..." Somehow, the coffee didn't taste as bitter as it was before. "Did you put sugar on it?" I asked, still not looking him in the eye.

"Yes..." Is his only reply, and the room was left in silence again.

I'm sure he noticed how agitated I am, considering how fast I'm drinking the coffee. I also didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, so it's best to just live already. Plus, I really have an errand tomorrow.

"Thank you for the coffee... I'll be leaving first." Our eyes met when I stood and walked towards the door, preparing to leave. "Do you not want me to leave?" I then asked, looking at his beautiful iris.

He only shook his head as a response and averted his gaze, yet his eyes tells otherwise. "No. You can leave."

My lips pursed, aiming for a bright smile. "I wish... I didn't have to leave." I muttered and walked away.

The whole scenario is making me anxious. I keep saying that I won't have my hopes up, that I will take it slowly, but that's really impossible. Day by day, the more it is harder for me to hold back my unpacked emotions. And if he really did feel the same way, it's not like we'd make a good couple. In the end, how would it benefit us? We'll only hurt each other more. I'm afraid that I might hurt him someday... hurting him was the last thing that I'd ever wish for.

Moreover, this temporary happiness that I've been feeling for the past few months were now slowly fading as this feeling of dysphoria were taking its place, which actually triggers my mind and emotion.

That very same night, I went back to the countryside where my uncle is currently living. It's like he said, no one could live alone on their own.

"Uncle..." I knocked sixteen times, and called twelve tries on the phone until he finally opens the door.

"Kiel, for god's sake, it's 2 am!" Uncle shouted as soon as he saw me outside his porch. "What's this? You didn't come for my birthday and even last Christmas, but then you're coming here in the middle of the night out of nowhere while looking so horrible? Did you cry? Geez... come inside! Are you planning to die?"

"Are you my mom or something? And for your information, I knocked so many times. It's completely freezing out here!" I groaned and sneeze a bit.

"Come over. What is it this time?" He sighed and pulled me inside, making me sit on the sofa beside the chimney as he prepares two hot broad coffee. "Care to tell me what's up?" He asked, placing the cup in front of the mini table.

Surprisingly, having a sip of his homemade coffee recipe made me calmer. It also has a different taste compared to Sade's decaffeinated coffee, and it tastes much stronger. I like Sade's better, though.

"I... I think I'm just exhausted."

"From what? It can't be about uni, since you're a scholar, so is it because of a person? Was it because of Jin?" Uncle was a good observant. On one glance, he could already figure out the cause and effect.

"Yeah..." I nodded as I took another sip. "He went missing a few months ago. I'm sure you already heard the news..."

"I thought so... but is there someone else?" He asked again.

I sighed and folded my knees. "Yeah... He was a junior. His name is Sade. He's from the art department, major in web design. He was my classmate in philosophy class... and we always talk about our lessons and stuffs. Not to mention, he's an extrovert and has a lot of friends. I usually don't act like this... but I just couldn't help it. I thought I could already control them... that's why I've been doing some ways to cope, but... it doesn't help anymore."

"Do you like this person?"

I nodded while wiping my tears. "So much... and I'm afraid that I might lose him... just like everybody else." If there's a way for me to be someone else, then I'd be glad. Because living a life without a healthy mental state is like living while dying.

"I think... the thought of 'losing someone', your fear of being abandoned, is what makes you consume your life. However, you must also remember that no one's going to leave you. I'm still here." His words of advice struck my head, and it gives me comfort. That's exactly the main reason why I'm always coming over here at times when I needed consulting from him.

And as expected, it finally made me at ease, he wasn't a licensed therapist for no reason.

"Have you calmed down?"

"Yes." I replied.

"Want me to take you to the hospital?"

I shook my head, chuckling. "No way... I've had enough of anti-depressants. The side effects were brutal."

"Haha... To be honest, when I saw you looking like a zombie outside, I thought I'd have another patient to take care of." He teased.

Suddenly, I started to feel dozed off from the cold weather. Next thing I know, I passed out. The next day, Uncle told me to have a week vacation at the countryside. It's for having a peace of mind. Though, I already skipped classes for a week, so I still have to study despite being on a vacation.

I also didn't want to worry Sade, so I informed him that I'll be off from school for about a week.

And between those days, I've taken it a lot of thought. "Should I... court him instead?" Dating may have their own pros and cons, but I will definitely make sure that it won't end with him getting hurt the most. It doesn't matter if we're both guys, because I'll do what it takes to make us workout.

I want to become someone he deserves, and for that, I... will surely do my best to be a better person for him.

To be continued...