Island.

cнapтer one.

song of the chapter: the kids aren't alright - fall out boy

+♥+ Autumn +♥+

"Anyone in there?" I heard someone ask. My heart began to race. If I spoke, whoever was outside would notice how raspy my voice is. "Um... I'm going in."

I fumbled about, grabbing tissue, but it was too late. PJ creaked the door open, peeping his head in. "Oh, God." He groaned. Thank God it was just PJ. "Oh, Autumn, not this again." He took the blade and flushed it, I choked on my words. He helped me up, and I was crying everywhere by now, sobbing on about how sorry I am, about how I promised him; how I promised Phil.

"You're better than this," He muttered, completely ignoring my sobs, maybe because I made no sense. He helped me into the tub, and turned on the water, with my clothes on and everything. He helped clean my thighs.

"I'm sorry, Peej." I mumbled, looking up at him. He looked like he was about to cry. "I know I promised you guys, but, I just-"

"You just what? Chris, again? That was nearly a year ago, Autumn," he said, looking up at me. "You're my best friend, it feels like utter shit seeing you destroy yourself over some guy. What are you, sixteen? No. You're 25. Wake up."

"We were supposed to be married," I sobbed. "We were supposed to have a future and everything. It wasn't supposed to happen. Don't act like its nothing. This isn't no ordinary heart break."

He gave up with trying to get the blood to stop flowing, and looked up at me. "I get that you miss him," he told me. "But, there comes a certain time when, you have to let go. You know? You're mature enough."

But am I, really? This whole thing didn't seem mature. All I've been doing this past month is kicking and screaming about how much I missed Chris. Even just the though of his name brought me to tears.

"Hey, hey, calm down," he whispered, rubbing my cheek. "We don't want anyone to find you like this, right?"

"Promise me you won't tell Phil?"

"I promise you." He nodded, taking his hand in mine. "Look at you, you look like a child. Sitting in the bath in your clothes. I'll go get you fresh ones. Don't do anything drastic while I'm gone." And with that, he left me.

I felt so lucky to have PJ, one of my best friends, live with me. Nine people living in this house, and I can literally only trust two. Well. It used to be three. Ugh. I cursed myself, and got out of the tub, patting myself dry. I looked down at my thighs, I didn't go too deep this time, thank God. I dabbed medicine onto the cuts and wrapped them up.

Not too soon, PJ knocked, handed me a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and left me be. I changed into those clothes, and headed downstairs for dinner.

Now, let me explain. I met PJ in uni, upon which I met the whole gang; Jamie, Sofie, Louis, James, and Georgie. They were into film making and all, while I was into Fine Arts. But we all still got along very well. Along the way, I met Chris. And that's a long story, for another time.

But when we all graduated from University, we decided to all move in together, since we were all so close. And, so, my brother, Phil, and his boyfriend, Dan, joined in.

We settled in, in London. In a big house enough for all of us, Dan, Phil, Jamie, Louis, Sofie, James, Georgie, PJ, Chris, and I. The only awkward thing is that all ten of us shared three bathrooms. We also shared one kitchen, one living room, one everything. We don't even have a dining room, we just bought this huge ass empty studio and filled it with our shit.

I head downstairs, realizing it was time to have dinner. They were all scattered in the living room, minding their own business. Pizza. There was me pizza. The world is good. I took a slice and sat down next to Phil, who was talking with Dan.

"Hey, why are you so late?" He asked, putting his arm around me. I shook my head. "Nothing, didn't realize what time it was," I told him.

He eyed me suspiciously, and I forced a little smile. "Alright, then," he said, returning to his conversation with Dan. I miss being open with Phil. He was my brother, after all. I grew up with him and everything. Why did everything feel so hard to admit all of a sudden? At what point of my life did I decide to be so distant? Was it when Chris left? Or when he met Dan? I-I didn't even know myself anymore.

My phone vibrated against my thigh, causing me to wince and jump a little. I set my paper plate down and took it out, Emma was calling. I took my plate and head to my room.

"Yeah?" I asked her. I could barely understand what she was saying, all I could hear was loud music, but I did make out something about a party. At her place or something. I so did not feel like going to this party. I just wanted to stay in bed. But Emma said she's feeling a bit awkward, as Luke had passed out, and everyone was having too much fun.

"Fine," I told her. "I'll be there in a couple minutes." I hung up, dressed up, told Phil I was going, and left for Emma's.

+♥+

To be honest, she was right. I could hear the music from two floors below her flat. An old couple gave me dirty looks, but I just smiled at them. The old lady shook her head. I kept going up, only to find the door open.

I squeezed my way through the crowd, my ears hurting, from the music, hopelessly calling for Emma. Even though I knew that she wouldn't hear me. Then, someone passed by me. I swear. It was Chris. I looked up, following the tall man who had the same hair cut, wearing that orange striped shirt. My eyes widened, and I chased after the guy, bumping into people. I grabbed his wrist, pulling him to me.

"What the fuck?!" The guy cussed, he had spilled his drink. It wasn't Chris. I felt my eyes water, reminding myself that it was not Christopher James Kendall. I bit my lip, making a run for Emma's room. Surprisingly enough, there was no random drunk couple getting it on in there. I sat on the edge of the bed, clenching my fists. I shouldn't have agreed to this. Every time I see someone that even just slightly reminds me of him, I just. Cry everywhere.

I'm not gonna see him again, I should remember that.