Bad Decisions (bwwm) [editing]

F I F T Y N I N E

I remember what my father said to me word for word a couple weeks after Iris went brain dead and passed away.

'This was your fault Ivanna, if you would have just stayed home like we wanted you to your sister wouldn't have needed to get you from the party and this could of been avoided, and you think it's okay to come up to me and tell me you have a meet celebration? Why so you could be irresponsible and then Its Isaiah in the hospital?' Those words replayed in my head the whole night.

'this was your fault' I was already feeling survivors guilt and then my own father telling me it was my fault, that really made me feel like I should have been the dead one.

All through senior year I applied to colleges by myself, I had big competitions and nobody was there for any of them, I bought my own prom dress with my work money and Kimanis mom did a send off for me and Kimani together.

Most of my senior year my family was brain dead too, my mom worked a whole bunch of shifts because it took her mind off of Iris.

My dad didn't speak to me, at one point he couldn't even look at me.

I don't even think he knew I was going to the same college as Iris.

But it wasn't all bad, I just learned new things about myself and through the whole process I didn't shed a tear because growing up I was forgotten.

I mean my sweet sixteen was ruined when my parents wouldn't stop bringing up the meet Iris had the other day.

Iris would always come in my room at night though and she would tell me how amazing I was, she would watch the meet videos and help me perfect minor things.

She was the parent I never had.

I told her about my first kiss, The first time I had sex, The first time I got my period.

My parents were too blindly by the shiny gold star next to Iris's name they never noticed the one next to mine.

But never the less she had higher expectations and I couldn't imagine the pressure she felt.

She used to tell me how she wanted to quit and just go to parties like everyone else.

She also never let me feel down about myself, maybe that's why my parents lack of attention didn't bother me because I had Iris's and having her just be there was worth more than anything.

It just got worse when she died though, I had to face my truth, nobody was going to sneak into my room and tell me to keep going and that I'm doing great, I had to tell that to myself.

Eventually my parents snapped out their funk when I started college and joined college cheer.

Everyone thought I made the team because of Iris, I didn't. I think my parents did too though.

They actually started supporting me when they visited me and they saw my bin of trophies and medals.

The "where did you get all of these from" Was that most baffling because I won every single one.

Obviously a year and a half of acting becoming parents didn't do anything, I was already an adult by the time they took an interest in my life.

My mom tried though, I know she tried but I get it was hard for her, working multiple jobs trying to have us live in a nice house but also pay for cheer for two kids and go to both their meets.

I never blamed her, she was just always emotionally distant mainly because she always worked.

I love both my parents though, I always will, In my head I just keep saying they tried their best and even if it is a lie I'd rather remember them for that.

Iris passed away because of the fall she took when she was tumbling, but the car crash just pushed her into an immediate death.

That's why I hate flipping, I'm scared i'll fall, anytime I flip I see Iris and it's her lying on the mat in pain.

Im still waiting in this car for Alex but finally he strides out pretty pissed off.

I'm quick to wipe my eyes because thinking about Iris always makes them water.

Him asking me about that night triggered so many deep thoughts.

"Are you okay?" He asks seeing my slightly red eyes.

"I should be asking you that" I laugh and he shakes his head.

"Just stressed" He mumbles driving back.

"Tell me what happened" I look at him but he only grips the wheel growing red ears.

"Alex?" I speak up when he's still quiet.

I didn't want to do this but I mean now I have to.

I open the car door when he's driving and he stops short looking at me.

"Were you about to jump out a moving vehicle?" He looks at me like I'm crazy.

"Well you weren't responding I just wanted to scare you" I shrug.

"Ivy I'll explain to you just let me get to the house first" He asks and I nod accepting that.

Once we arrive we go right up to his room and he closes the door.

I sit down on the bed and he stands up pacing back and forth.

"Ivy, that December, do you remember anything?" He keeps bringing up the crash, almost like he knows something.

"Uhh, I know that they tracked the guys car and he confessed and then all our medical bills were magically paid by some donation" I tell him and he shakes his head.

"Alex what do you know?" He has to be on the brink of a revelation.

"Ivy that night my sister was drunk, she was coming home from a party"

...

Silence.

Where is he going with this.

"She took a guys car, she was speeding because it was night time and she crashed into someone, she ran home and told me and I helped her but I never bought it up again"

"She said when she woke up again two girls were dead looking, she felt guilty and payed off your hospital bills, the car bills, the medical bills, she felt so shitty for what happened" This can't be happening.

"When did you figure this out?" I'm trying to stay composed but memories from that night are rewinding over and over again.

"Just now, I didn't want to keep it from you Iv, I know how much Izzy meant to you and my sister caused her to loose her life" He sits down next to me.

It wasn't only his sisters fault, Izzy was stubborn she hated to disappoint people, if she had told my parents she had a head injury and wanted to get it checked out and there was something actually wrong she'd feel shit.

But maybe this wouldn't have happened and I would of still had my sister.

"Iv" Alex reaches for my hand but out of reflex I pull further away from him.

He tries to mask the hurt on his face but I can see it, I know it isn't his fault and I'm not blaming him but just thinking about Izzy puts me in a dark place.

A dark place I've worked months and months to get out, this doesn't feel like closure, this feels like me digging my own rabbit hole to spiral down.

A/N: whew chile, I did around five updates in 24 hours, This is just... wow. Sooo i'll go for the sixth one In the next five hours but i do have a job interview today so expect an update by afternoon/ night est.