After Ice

The Art of Breathing

There's rushing in my ears, too many sounds and not enough as I spin and am thrown and all sense of direction is lost and I realize that the hand holding mine is gone-

Blinding pain erupts from my forehead as I'm smacked against something hard and cold. But I'm moving too fast, carried on the tidal wave of murder. There's this burning in my chest, an ache as the weight of the water presses down and down and my vision is so blurry underwater and everything hurts and I feel like I'm being compressed into myself and I can't see can hear too much sound I can't breathe-

I try to orient myself, twisting to try and make out which way is the bottomless ocean and which way means I get to live but everything is upside down. I can't stop moving, can't swim against the undercurrents of the water dragging me just like my Aunt did moment ago-

The burning is painful now; black spots swarm my vision, blocking my concentration. Through the haze I make out scarlet rivers of blood and then they're gone and my head burns and I scream-

A hand grabs my arm, almost ripping it from it's socket. Another wraps around my torso, and I can barely focus, can only feel the searing cold all around and saltwater in my lungs and the pain in my head and everywhere else but we're headed up and there are dark shapes floating in the water and so many so many so-

It's lighter up here, the water is clearer, there are things beyond, dark giants looming into the sky and I keep my eyes on them, staring into the blank grey dome up above and- my face breaks the surface and the cold air is such a relief I want to cry but there's already so much saltwater around me so all I can do is cough up my lungs and splutter and glorious frigid salty air fills my chest and I could never get enough of it except the thing is I don't get to-

I'm sucked under again, but those hands heave me back up, I can feel legs beneath mine kicking and pushing us away and towards something else. When I come up for air it's like a blessing all over again so I gasp and gulp it down even as water splashes up my nose and my body refuses to cooperate. 

We're close to something, it looks like a ladder, a metal one that ran up the sides of the evacuation dock ships- I let out a strangled sob. But I can't look at them right now, can't see the destruction I just need to breathe and we finally stop moving and the person grabs onto the ladder and I can see that their forearm has blue tattoos-

"I got you," Rei tells me, "I got you it's ok." Because I'm holding on to him for dear life and I can't stop shaking and it's so-so very cold down here. 

The walls groan, and the ocean replies with it's own low sound and when I chance a look from my closed-eyed world I only find a vast expanse of water. I close my eyes again, bury my head, focus on my breath. Just breathe. I can't think, I can't do anything but hold on as the ocean rips up back and forth-

"We have to go," I hear him say. "Just hold on."

I want to ask, where? go where? but my brain has too much water in it so I just wrap my arms around his neck and let him take me.

*

I sort of zone back in at the sound of water dripping, echoing, and the sound of metal grates when you walk on them. There should be nowhere left to walk on. 

Arms are wrapped around me, carrying me like a child, and I can feel a heartbeat next to mine. 

"Where are we?" I mumble into the wet fabric of his shirt, my voice scratched. 

"Lighthouse." The boy's voice echoes inside the stairwell, and my vision blurs in response. My head throbs, and pain spikes sharply through my skull. He keeps walking, water lapping far below. I hear the creak of a door, the press of wind and raindrops. Rei sets me down, and the floor here is rough and wet. The lookout. 

I do not move, still staring down, not wanting to see. Still wanting to see.

"Shai," the Mer says softly. "Look at me." I do not. I will not. Cold hands hold my face, tilt up my blurry vision so that I am met with the blues greys and greens of the ocean in someone's eyes. I do not want to see the ocean. Vaguely, I feel thumbs brush across my cheeks, feel wetness there even though a storm has yet to hit. It is very quiet. And I hate it. 

"Where is Auntie Charla?" I ask, though my voice is trembling, distant to my own ears. 

He does not respond, just lowers those ocean eyes so that I cannot see them. 

"Where is she?" I ask again, louder than I mean to, hiccuping. When he says nothing, I tear myself away from his hands and back up until I hit the railing. "Tell me you didn't do this," I whisper, hushed, not even wanting to know the answer. "When you were on the wall. When they made you help- please. Tell me you didn't." He still does not speak. "Tell me you didn't ask your people to send the waves, tell me they didn't say yes-" I can't keep going. "Please!" The sound is ripped from my throat, and I curl my hands on the railing till I can't feel them, unable to turn around and see the destruction. How easily the whole of my life is covered in water to make it look like it was never there. 

"No," he replies quietly. "No, I didn't do anything. None of this is my fault, Shai."

I shut my eyes, but the tears just keep falling and I think I will permanently hate them for their saltiness. 

"You hate humans- you wanted- we kept you in a cell I don't-"

"I couldn't if I tried!" he yells suddenly, and I suck in a breath. "I just saved your life, a little thank you would suffice."

"Your people sent waves-" I start again, suddenly angry, suddenly wanting to hit something, someone. Some creature. 

"My people had nothing to do with this!" he snaps. "It was your own worker's fault, your own mayor's fault, and no one else! The ocean is just the ocean, not every single goddamn wave is our doing, ok?" 

Anger, and not wanting to look at him any longer, gives me the strength to turn around. 

I know from the moment I do, I will never be able to forget. 

The outer walls stand like sentinels, hundreds of klicks out and reaching for the sky. They are massive. And now alone. Years later, they will be erased by the relentless crash of water and their history will be forgotten. In between them and the lighthouse is the floating wreckage of the town, with most of the heavier buildings sunk to the bottom. My apartment one of them. My workstation. The library. The cell block. Our town was built from the sea floor up, but with each year of the Ice thawing came an unaccounted-for rise in water levels. The walls got higher and higher till we were at the bottom of a basin. Now, everything inside is gone. Erased in a matter of minutes.

And down below are so many floating shadows, small and almost invisible from up here. 

Rage builds up inside of me, and taking a breath, I scream.

Scream out over the water and the walls and into the nothingness beyond.

Scream as the salty spray enters my throat and the wind whooshes into my lungs like it's trying to whisk my soul away.

Scream until my voice is hoarse and my heart is numb.

And when I have no air left and am left a gasping sobbing mess, there is no response except for the crash of water.