MEMORIES

Chapter 1 - New Year, Old Memories

I thought disconnecting from everyone and shutting everything down that had connected him to me would heal me but every day it felt like I was walking on broken glass. Memories, songs, and little things reminded me of him but as the days went by he started to fade away the same way autumn leaves turn to go away when spring starts.

I had it in my mind that I had gotten over him but his presence and the memories we shared still haunt me. I ask myself many times if he actually felt the same for me or was I just something to play with or bait with his friends? I regret meeting him because to this day the thought of him turns my eyes into a swimming pool.

I always ask God what was the purpose of meeting him. 'WHY WHY DID YOU COME INTO MY LIFE IF YOU WERE GONNA LEAVE", I would ask myself. I tend to find myself thinking about him at midnight and I think what if we had done things differently? I've let myself lose my friends because they connected me to you, the things I love, and the memories... I've avoided the questions of what happened between you and me...I was sick of explaining how toxic we were.

I had removed every element that had connected him to me, I had pretended he didn't exist. This made me believe I had healed and moved on it's only then when the new year started that the thoughts of him came back. How will I react to seeing him, was he with that girl but I had heard that she was no longer coming back to our school.

I hated the fact that he actually let me go, I know I was the one who suggested we should pretend we never existed in each other's life because I was hurt and I had made myself believe I would be well without him but that actually made me realise how he was a big part of my life. How he was my oxygen, my every thought and half of me.

I sometimes ask myself if I had put up with his bullshit and he had put up with my bullshit would have it been worth it?

I perfectly know it was not his fault only, it was also my fault for pretending I did not care to protect myself, ignoring him to make sure I don't get attached, in case I had to take myself out of his life. I never had such insecurities before but now I know that breaking someone's trust and treating them like garbage you need to know that it is never easy to earn back their love and trust.

I thought I had forgiven him for the way he treated me when he started hanging around the grade 8's and I was ready to forgive because he showed efforts of trying to gain our friendship back but I knew little that this would cause us to be in this current situation we in or I am in.

I had forgiven him but his actions affected me and I couldn't recognise early that in turn, I will hurt him because I always doubted if everything he did was out of pure intentions. My walls were always up and somehow I thank myself for doing that because I think of how worse I would be if played this dangerous game of love with him.

That situation had made me want him to prove himself every time, I was obsessed with controlling him and changing him into what I wanted him to be that way I know there was no chance of me being hurt. I learned that you can't change someone and trusting someone after hurt it's hard.

By controlling him , I would expect certain expectations and if he didn't do such a thing I would doubt he cares for me. I had the urge of wanting him to be what my imagination wanted. I was not satisfied anymore with what he was. I used to appreciate who he was, no filter, nothing, and his flaws were not flaws to me but that was what made him loveable in my eyes.
But the hurt he had caused me changed me and at that time I didn't know. Because of my unhealed wounds, I demanded a lot and questioned a lot when it came to him.

All my memories came back when I realised I would have to go back to school and I would have to face what I've been trying to heal from. How would I act if I had to see him because all I do know is cringe at every memory that I share with him? Memories that I once cherished dearly had become a nightmare to me.

How did he feel without my presence in his life, had he moved on from the pain that I might have caused him? Was I still something predominant in his life, does he still think about me?

All these questions linger in my mind as I wait in anticipation to return back to school.