MAD LOVE

Chapter 7

***

"How do you feel, Alana?" asked a woman dressed in a doctor's white gown; she was sitting in front of me and making some notes.

"I'm better," I grinned. "Last night I slept calmly for the first time. No nightmares," I said as I looked through the window and enjoyed how nature was blossoming outside. Spring is a beautiful season.

"That's a good sign. What did you feel when you woke up?"

"Relief..." For the first time in months, I really smiled. "It's true, I feel like some heavy boulder inside my heart has just disappeared."

"What about our assignment? Have you been able to talk to any stranger and ask them a question: what time it is, or for instance, or how to get to a certain street?"

"No... It's still difficult, but I'm working on it," came my answer. I shifted my eyes to my clenched fists, and my good mood evaporated.

"You said you went to work out. What exactly do you do at the gym? Tell me about your feelings."

"I dance. I go every day. It's like I'm in another world, ruled by love, where there isn't any evil or violence. The energy of my body fills my life with bright colors. I hear the music and I forget everything. For the moment, this is my escape..." I said, my voice tapering off. I felt miserable: some of these conversations turned my soul inside out, reminding me of my worthlessness. Admittedly, they were also often very helpful.

"What about communication? Is there anyone else in the gym except you?"

"I'm not yet ready to meet new people, and I've had no one but my parents. I rent a room for a certain time, come and go when there is no one else there."

"Alana, allow me to give you some advice. You can decide whether you will take it or not, it's all up to you, of course. Start a social media page, or start a blog; tell people what's on your mind and the world will hear you. As for friends - you are still very young. Eventually, you'll get there: you will meet people for whom you'll be much more than an empty shell. They'll accept you with all your baggage and they'll help you in your hour of need. You'll recognize it when it happens: your souls will connect from the first time you meet."

A light stroke on my back brought me back to the present. Jessica sat there absorbed in thought, giving me time to come to my senses. Could this be the meeting that doctor Spense had told me about? I feel incredible compassion from this girl. Her shining warmth gets right inside my heart, driving out the darkness that had settled there.

She beams with light just like Amanda... I want it to be true... Please don't betray my hopes, Jessica Milton...

"Thank you," I whimpered in a voice not like my own, looking up at her. "I'm trying to live like before. I can talk, laugh, argue, fight..." I smiled at my thoughts. "There's just one thing - I haven't learned to control what I feel when I think about that day, and I cannot engage with the opposite sex."

"Now you have me - your personal lawyer and therapist!" A sincere smile broke down the last barrier between us and convinced me we will become real friends.

I trust her...

"Tell me about Alex. How long have you been friends?" I made myself comfortable on the couch. I wanted to know more about the young man who surely had a crush on my new roommate. "He behaved weirdly. I felt a bit like a museum piece."

"You're right. That doesn't sound like him," she replied. I felt her appraising look. "I think he liked you and that's why he got flustered."

No one could like me; someone gave me an obvious hint about that some time ago.