Bloody Waves of Seoul 1 & 2 | BTS gang AU

Vol.III - 20. The SoKoMob Meeting Pt.1

So of course I couldn't sleep. I don't think any of us did. 

We went 100% prepared for a victory, however...

The slight possibility that something can go wrong, that one of us could get hurt or worse was setting a weight on my chest that was making it hard for me to breathe. 

What if one of us died?

What if I died?

What the hell was the protocol for this kind of shit?
Should I say my goodbyes just in case?

Was this how clan life was for everyone else?
Constantly worrying if everything was going to go wrong and if anything happens to the people you cherish the most?

My head was spinning as I sat next to the fireplace in the suite I was given for the night, right on a white carpet that Jon Snow would wear for a coat, downing vodka straight from a bottle I sneaked from Chin-Hae's study. I had no other way to deal with my anxiety and I had this whole place mapped in my head from the first time I was here. 

Right before I was about to take another swing my phone beeped. 

I don't know why, but I decided to ignore the message. Didn't feel like dealing with anyone right now. 

Ten minutes later, it beeped again. 

And I ignored it again. 

The third fucking time, I was equal amounts of pissed and curious, so I reached for it. Thankfully. 

S: You ok?

S: answer for fucks sake. 

S: If you're not answering because you're in the shower without permission, I swear to god you will regret it. 

Shocked and grinning, I remembered that I had changed his ringtone after Jin's threat. I must have been so thrilled that he texted me, that I kept staring at my screen for a few seconds. He has been avoiding me since I called him a mess. And I wanted to say that I was sorry. That I didn't mean it. That I was probably projecting.
And if you know me just a bit, you obviously know that I can take down a whole country on a Tuesday before brunch.
But to say sorry to Suga?
Of course, I haven't found it in myself yet.  Not even the impending doom of possible death hadn't pushed me enough to do so.

RR: Regret it how exactly? What kind of misfortune will fall upon me now? 

S: I would say normally none but it's time for me to take drastic measures. You leave me no choice except punishment.

RR: Unfair. After all the stress I've been through? Now I have to succumb to your tactics?

S: You poor thing. I was worried sick and you left me all waiting for your reply with no explanation. I just wanted to see how you're doing and you want to...
What exactly you said that you want, again?

Bastard. I was this close to shooting my phone into the fireplace. 

I started typing, I want to ki_ _  you. Answers may vary. 
Pathetic at the least. I erased it. 

I wish I could. I wish I had the balls. To say it out loud. All the things that you want to hear, and even more things that I want to say. I erased that too.

I downed a few gulps straight from that bottle, the alcohol burning through the heaviness on my chest. 

What do I want?