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Inspired by 'Tis the damn season by Taylor Swift
To the one I'll come home to.
•••
It's as if you have pins and needles at the swift thought of the long summer nights without her. You remember the mornings you woke to coffee on an empty stomach and no text message and you feel your chest swell like it did every time you were disappointed. You remember the LA daylight, the way it would linger in orange and purple and how you wished it would stay a while longer because maybe- just maybe- she wouldn't let another day pass without slipping in 'hi, rosie' or 'how's it going?' before tomorrow would come.
Summer through fall had the low degrees of dejection and bitterness. You forced yourself through the days of mundanity without the simple pleasures you had gotten so used to for just a few months before- 'good morning, my love' 'come home to me safely please' 'i'll kiss you in your dreams, darling'- the solace, the sincerity, the intimacy of it all was short lived. Three months was not enough with Jennie- you knew that. And yet you played yourself for a fool thinking it was not enough to make you fall for her.
As if the distance of a couple hundred miles away wasn't enough, your constant, looming denial of you love her, you love her not, was immense and drew a daunting line of uncertainty between you and Jennie. You don't know when the cross fade of when you knew you wanted her and knew you shouldn't blurred your mind, but it was enough to convince yourself that after all the golden days and confronting nights of conversations over laughs and tears- you told yourself you didn't want anything more with Jennie than just sweet, endearing kinship and a good fuck over text.
You were an idiot to believe that you wouldn't fall for her affection. Wouldn't fall for her humor, and her rambling, and how much she loves noodles, and you're especially naive to think you couldn't fall for somebody you've never even met.
You fell too comfortable in your little secret with Jennie, that when things took a turn to what ifs, 'what if there's a chance' 'what if my family finds out', you shut the door and drove away further than she already was. And yet, you question, how dense could you be to share your colors of romance and allure in hopes and wishes for a someday with Jennie out of your own goddamn mouth and say you didn't feel for her enough to want her through your grit lying teeth.
You're unbelievable.
You thought you could be brave enough to hold Jennie's heart in the palm your hands and keep her warm and safe like you've earned her trust above all but you're a coward and you're a liar. You don't strive for peace in what you want. You let the eagle eyes of those who patronize you prey until you're starving skin and bones of everything you've ever wanted and all just because of who you adore the most.
You put an ache in her from the ache in you.
You let her go along with the goodness that came from the two of you together and you have the undeserving nerve to feel spiteful for her delayed responses and soon, the absence of them. Perhaps it was the abiding wait or the no explanation, you don't know.
