Adrenaline

37 | jun

"Very true. Maybe Nurse Meadowlark can make a house call soon."

I smile thinking of Everleigh hanging out at our house one day. We'll spend the entire time looking over my and Jun's DVD collection. "So—"

Jun takes a second to think over his answer, and I wait however long he needs me.

"To be honest, it still feels like we're at a weird standstill. Like, we have talked about everything but at the same time haven't really talked about it. Not about how we're supposed to move forward with all of this. It's been mostly about the song otherwise. Other than that, she's been keeping her distance. Spends most of her time in her room."

"Okay, but how do you feel?"

"Confused," he confesses. "I wish I knew what she was thinking."

If ridding him of this stress was as easy as smoothing out the lines of frustration etched into his forehead, I would. Attempts are still made, though, and Jun finds it amusing so he laughs anyway. I suppose to some extent that it works.

"Maybe...I can try to talk to her about it. Less judgment this time."

Jun pulls me closer and smooths his hand over my hair. "You don't have to."

"I know," I reply. "But I want to. If you're okay with it. I think I might....understand her better now."

When I lift my head to look at him, I see Jun staring out once more with a faraway look in his eyes. The way we're sitting right now, cuddled up on a chair that comfortably sits one person but barely manages two, reminds me a lot of our conversations back home in Hawaii, before we had the weight of the world on our shoulders. Secret feelings spilled against the backdrop of the sound of crashing waves rhythmically playing on a loop; a faint orange sky deepening as the hour grows late; a crisp smell of salt in the air, both from the beach and from our tears, so many of them shed over the years.

Through countless dating debacles, personal setbacks, and triumphs, there's always been one constant outside of us, and though I've kept it to myself most of the time, it's been the inevitable truth known by all. An understanding that the day when Jun and Lauren find their way to each other in the way they've always been destined to will come and it'll last even longer than our songs. MARS as an entity will likely end one day when we're satisfied with the legacy we've left for ourselves, but Lauren and Jun will be forever if they let themselves be. Born together, raised together, rulers of the universe together. We've all seen it in the way they move through life—slowly and with ease; sensitive hearts beating at a comfortable pace; sneaking glances and secret smiles.

Jun and I might consider ourselves each other's soulmates, but there will always be the most special place in his heart for her.

Spending so long knowing it was going to happen and then watching those moments unfold right before the big reveal. I understand why it's terrifying to both of them. If you don't start, there is no end to be afraid of. But then you're left with an infinite number of what-ifs that eat away until you're sitting across a dining room table from someone else, too far past any chance of taking it all back.

Maybe chalking up our last conversation where I'd walked in on their argument as something silly is one of the problems in the first place. Because while I understand Jun and I understand Lauren, I'm not privy to Jun and Lauren and that's how it should be. That's okay.

"I've been looking at it as just your friend but I need to remember I'm her friend too. And while I don't think our situations are the same, I can understand to some extent what must be going through her head. And if I can offer any support, then I should. I want to."