meme book || 2

I hate my life 🕺

Dude I've been going through some family shit and I feel like I should be letting it out somewhere yk and I've been trying to write about it somewhere or like talk to myself or someone but I just can't. So I'm going to try this again and see if I can articulate my feelings and feel better but like it's been hard to physically type and then try to put my feelings to words

It's just been a lot to process and I think I have a better grip now but let's see

Lately my dad has just been mean. Like he's usually not just mean to you yk? But recently he just gets so annoyed and it feels like idk he doesn't like me anymore. Like this makes me feel so stupid saying that but it's how it feels. Like it doesn't feel like he wants to be there and around us. He doesn't want to be in our home.

Honestly no one wants to be in our home, like it doesn't feel safe or comforting anymore. Everyone just wants out but we can't

I try to talk to my dad and he just brushes me off and in like a super rude way. I try to like brush it off and keep my head up and ig not make it look like he's hurt me. And maybe if I stay positive and maybe call him out slightly on being a bit irrational and taking out his feeling on others he might feel bad and stop.

Everyday when he gets home from work I always go out to the living room and talk to him and tell him about my day. I do that like every fucking day and I've done it for years even when we didn't always get along. And he's always been a bit mean about it before and didn't really want to talk to me before but he wasn't as open and honest as he is now. God I'm so stupid why do I even try

And I was thinking earlier today about something he said before. He said once he doesn't like how my sisters and my mom and I all keep stuff from him or he's the last to know about stuff. He said he doesn't know why we all think he'll go crazy and act out after getting bad news

And I was kind of confused about that too because he's a pretty chill person when it's s serious situation and it's big/bad news. Like my sister getting pregnant and stuff, I thought he was going to go ape shit but he was calm and chill

But today I realized it's because he gets so irrationally angry about little things. Like small little things make him go off the chain for no reason and it was always scary as a kid cause you never knew. Like we'd do something and he's find it annoying and then not say anything until he's so ticked off he can't tolerate it and be so mean out of nowhere. You can't do that with kids, you tell them first and be kind yk. You ask them to stop before it bothers you so much you can't control your anger

I also remember once he almost smacked me in a Burger King drive thru. I think he wanted me to call my mom for something and I guess I was taking too long to get her on the phone. And he picked up his hand and started moving towards my face in like a backhand move. Then he like hesitated and realized what he was doing ig and angled his hand down last minute and tried to slow it down. It still hit my leg and it was still a hard hit. Then I had to try and not cry the whole way home

Like I didn't even do anything

And he probably doesn't even remember that but I do.

We've also had like other issues with him and being violent. When I was younger he was a lot more physical with us, we had cps at our house a few times and I remember it was scary for me and I was so confused. I think they got called three times, I can't remember who called each time. I think the last time it was one of my sisters friends, they told the school after seeing marks on her neck. That last time was the worst one I think cause my dad had like choked her. He claimed he was just holding her down at the time but then he started claiming he never laid a hand on her neck. He sticks to that story to this day.