OBSIDIAN ISSUE #2 : WOUNDED

FIFTY

"Kailan 'to? Does this happen frequently?" I couldn't contain the distress signal in my voice.

"It only happened once two or three years ago. But even before then, I've always known he's around. I've grown content by the fact that your father found ways to communicate with me, with us...At least in the most harmless way."

Is it really possible? Those days and nights of cold around me... was it really him? Has my father tried to make his presence felt considering I've never met him. If what Mama said is possible, those strange movements and cold whispers even back when I was in treatment...

I swallowed. I might as well gravitate to the more realistic fact that I've gone crazy instead of believing this.

Although eerie for some and strange for the others, but for the ones who are longing the most, this could be a privilege. A sole chance to get in touch with the afterlife. Not everyone is granted the odds while the mere thought itself already inspires fear. Ngunit sa mga katulad kong nangungulila nang labis, ipagpapalit ko ang isang kahapon sa maikling sandaling maramdaman ang mahal sa kabilang buhay.

Kaya anong masama kung maniwala ulit, Sam? It's not that I will let this dictate the course of my life. Besides, I've been called crazy many times. I have nothing to lose.

Nanghahapdi ang mga mata kong kinukulong ang mga luha. Let's say a soul may not remember, but it bears the memory of the love leading it to hunt insurmountable ways to reach its beloved by fair means or foul, even in the midst of death. And for me, that kind of devotion is way beyond that to call it love is rather an understatement.

Still impossible. But there's no way to deny how I felt it. Kahit na nitong taon lang naman nangyari, pero nagsimula ang mga kakaibang pagpaparamdam sa akin noong pagkatapos kong manganak.

I could say it was more than just defying life and death. He was making use of the hellbound means to fulfill his promises.

A lone tear cascaded down my cheeks as I thought of what he possibly did. Mabilis kong pinunasan ang luha nang magsalita si Mama.

"Kaya kung magkapilian man, Samara, kahit na ayaw kong magkaroon ng paborito, I will have Salvatore live with me."

"Ma!" Halos natawa ako kung hindi lang nagpupunas ng panibagong luha.

In hindsight, I came to an understanding that this whole time isn't a journey of Angelov and I. It is mine, with Angelov as a part of it for he ever dwells in me.

I realized how it felt like I found myself when I met him. Dark and broken. All the while he was the very contrast of who I'd been. I hated him first. I despised me. Then slowly I mend myself when he showed me how to live. That there is more to life despite his unwavering confidence in death.

Marrying him with my heart was the moment I learned to love fractions of myself I left needing. Marrying him in the face of an adversity was in some way standing up for what I believed in despite of everyone's misgivings-- in spite of our trembling hearts that for what its worth, took the risk-- I realized that in that very moment, I have entirely embraced the flaws when way back all I wanted was to be perfect. To dedicate my faith amidst an erratic fate was to be sure of who I am and regardless of a losing battle, my pieces will only bend and not break.

And to exist upon his death, he took all of me with him.

And yet him and I conceived our hopes. One is calm and sad at times. The other full of life. I held both in my arms all the while he was fighting for his life.

Wala na ngang silbi sa pag-alala nito ngunit minsan kailangan din silipin ang nakaraan para mas maintindihan ko ang sarili. Na kung babalikan ko ang iba, maaalala ko ang mga pagkakamali at kung paano ako natuto. But what I've also learned was that we could never get to a point of understanding everything no matter how we seek and terribly hope for it. Just like these wounds that do not fully heal, we only grow out of the scars as we live.