Learning To Love - Jamie Campbell Bower

Chasing Rainbows

I smile. "I'll try."

"I know it's tough."

"Goodbye, Jamie."

"Later babe."

I look up at him, confused.

Jamie just winks and walks out the door. A flirtatious Giraffe at that, I think to myself as I get up and put my mug away and grab my keys, locking the door behind me.

I was busy organising pill boxes for the oncology ward when my phone buzzed. I slipped it out of my pocket.

1 message from Jamie

" My darling starshine. Speaking of Charlie and the chocolate factory, shall we watch it as our movie tonight?"

I grin to myself and unlock my phone, texting him back.

"Great idea"

Later, after I'd finished my shift, Jamie came over, rental DVD of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in hand.

"Hey babe."

"Babe?"

"You don't like it? Shall I try something else? A different pet name? Sugar puff? Sweet cupcake? Biscuit? My queen?"

"Queen sounds good."

Jamie gets down on his knees, DVD falling to the floor. Here we go.

"MY DARLING QUEEN," He cries. "MY ETHEREAL GODDESS, OH HOLY AND KIND ONE, I ADORE THOU MAJESTY-"

"Jamie sto-"

Jamie continues crying hysterically. "I MUST OBEY YOUR EVERY ORDER, UNLESS I WISH DEATH THYSELF-"

"I command you to stop your shouting!"

Jamie silences, standing up, and gives a swift bow. "Your wish, my command."

"I'm beginning to feel "babe" isn't that bad of a pet name anymore."

Jamie walks up behind me, hand curving around my back to my waist, where I stood at the kitchen sink. "Sounds good to me."

I step sideways, out of his arms, subconsciously. Jamie doesn't seem to notice. "You haven't quite gotten out of drama mode, have you?"

Jamie thinks. "Quite possibly. But hey, nothing like some cooking to get out of the mood. What are we making?"

I smile sheepishly. "Actually, I don't feel like cooking, how does two minute noodles sound to you?"

"As good as any royal feast."

I smack his arm playfully. "Good."

After eating the noodles and recounting each other's days, Jamie and I settled on my couch, TV playing the opening to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Everything was fine, I was snuggled up with Jamie behind me under a blanket, when slowly but surely, I began to feel claustrophobic. The weird twisting feeling I got in my stomach when I was having a panic attack started brewing.

Oh god, please, not now. I was doing so well...

I tried to ignore the feeling at first, but soon, about halfway through the movie, Jamie ducked his head down to kiss the back of my neck. Before even I knew what I was doing, I had scrambled away from Jamie and was standing up in front of the couch, gasping, a rather shocked Jamie still lying on the couch.

Slowly, very slowly, Jamie reached for the remote and paused the movie. Now, the only sound was my breathing, and the creaking of the couch as Jamie pulled himself into sitting position, staring at me. He wore a different expression now, almost a grim expression, disappointment and frustration mixed into his features.

"I-I'm sorry," I stuttered.

Jamie sighed. "I don't know how we're going to do this."

My heart clenched. "Do what?"

Jamie gestured at himself and me. "This, this whole relationship thing. I can't deal with-" He started again, licking his lips. "Heidi, if every time I try to be close with you, just kiss you, you dart away from me like a startled fox, how are we going to be together? I can't do this. You just switch on and off like a light switch all the time. It's like, I think I've made it with you, earned your trust and such and then I realise I can never have it. It's like chasing rainbows."

I stare at him, lips parted, eyes beginning to water. "I'm sor-"

"Don't be"

I blink, and see that Jamie is standing, blue eyes hard but full of sadness all at the same time. I'm reminded of just how tall he is as he looks down at me. "I know you can't help it," he continues, "but I just can't deal with being spun around and rejected like that. It hurts," his voice broke on the last word.

I feel like I'm watching this whole thing from a distance now, unbelieving that I'd upset Jamie so much, that this had been something on his mind. My heart clenched again with guilt. I ask the question I myself had been mulling over this morning. "So then, what are we?" I'm afraid to hear the answer.

"I don't know," Jamie says in a hushed tone, his voice had become husky, as if he was holding something back. I look into his eyes, and, unless I was imagining it, I swear I see tears forming. It's enough to make my already formed ones drop onto my cheeks. "I don't know what we are, I can't-" Jamie brushed his hand through his hair. "I can't think right now." His voice is rough.

Suddenly, he starts and stalks out of the room, and I hear the door to my flat clicking shut. I know he won't come back. My tears flow freely, dropping to the floor, as I stand silently. Shocked.

Numbly, I turn the TV off and walk to my bedroom, stripping off my clothes and bra, pulling a singlet on, and curling up in bed, tears still silently streaming down my face, being soaked up by the pillow. Cold silence surrounds me.

What have I done?

*****

*thunder noise* MWAHAHAHAHA

Anyone catch the tiny TMI reference? If you noticed, you win my respect. (Hint: It was in the pet names.)

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