𝗪𝗛𝗔𝗧 𝗔𝗕𝗢𝗨𝗧 𝗨𝗦 ? (wlw)

⚘᠂ 𝗙𝗘𝗘𝗟𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗜𝗦

I let my face feel the cool air once again as I bundled my arms across my body and pulled my legs up. I stared at the floor, only hating myself that much more at my own flashbacks. I loosened the grip on my body as I slowly reached up to my face and brushed my fingers across my lips where I instantly felt the softness of hers. I felt the way our mouths moved together and I felt the way that they melded together like pieces of a puzzle. 

I couldn't see again and I could hear the return of my sobs. I couldn't stop seeing it. I couldn't stop seeing her. The part that was eating me up was the fact that it was a her. For once in my life it wasn't a him that I was kissing. I should've been more upset over the fact that I had cheated but what was consuming me was the fact that it didn't disgust me. I wasn't repulsed. I wasn't trying to forget about it. I'd kissed a girl and I'd enjoyed it. No, fuck that. I'd had a sex with a girl and I fucking loved every second of it.

That was the part that really killed me. It didn't feel wrong. And I really wish that it did. I didn't regret it at all, I just wish on everything that it didn't happen because now here I was, questioning everything about me. I'd never felt any of this before. I'd never once thought about being with a girl or doing anything romantic with a girl but now all I was thinking about was a girl. I was thinking about Ellie.

I hated it. I hated the fact I was even replaying what we did. I hated how I didn't regret any of it and I hated the fact that she was a fucking girl. I'd had a sex with a girl.

I wasn't homophobic. I didn't care who was gay and who wasn't. I just couldn't be. I didn't want to be. I wasn't. Fuck, I didn't want to be. I wasn't going to lose everything. I was so scared. I felt sick. I'd always cared about Ellie as a friend, I didn't know why I couldn't just stick to that type of care now. Why couldn't I just forget about all of this?

I caught myself staring at my hands at some point. I hadn't learnt my fucking lesson clearly because all I could see was her body that was beneath my grasp. I wanted to wash my hands. My whole body actually. I felt dirty and I felt like the most pathetic person on the planet. I couldn't get over the simplest thing and I couldn't just ignore my fucking feelings. And it was killing me.

My hands fell to the floor after that as well as my eyes. My body became cold and my blood felt like it was dripping out of me. I was just filled with 'what if's'. It was everything in my brain. God, why was I even doing this? I was sitting here and was trying to keep my life from falling apart. I was sitting here and was trying to force myself into feeling nauseated by my actions. I was scared that I didn't naturally adorn the act of repulsion.

It didn't feel wrong. I didn't regret it. And I felt fucking good while doing it. All of it was making my heart sink even deeper, the revelations were piling up inside of me and I felt physically ill. I had faltered back to Ellie throughout my entire wreck of thoughts and I had went back to the envisions of her smile and the way she laughed. The way she talked and the way her eyes were the most beautiful thing in the world.

I hated her so fucking much right now but my gut was tightening. My eyes had only went cloudy again and my cheeks had hummed to more tears. It was hitting me now that this was why I was so upset. My bones felt bruised and I was actually going to be sick. I didn't want to feel like this. It wasn't fucking fair. Why me? Why now? All the anger and hate just ruptured at the reality of my situation. And it all came out through the single realisation.

I was attracted to her. I was attracted to a girl. And it broke my heart.

⚘᠂

A few hours had passed and it was now dark out. For a little while, I was debating about calling Ellie just to know if she was alright. It was about ten at night now and she'd been gone for almost four hours. I was still so angry with her and really didn't want to see her but I was worried. She was never out at night and especially since it was pitch black outside, I really was anxious about her whereabouts. She hadn't texted me at all either. For a moment, I debated going out and trying to find her myself but I opted not to.

I was still just as upset as before but I just wanted to at least know if she was okay, wherever she may be. I did need space but I did regret telling her to leave. It was Ellie we were talking about. She never really left the dorm, only ever leaving to go to class or to the library. I just didn't like the empty feeling of the room and I didn't like how I didn't have a clue where she was. I also didn't like the fact that I even cared this much. I hated it really.

I'd given up with packing and had now moved all the boxes to the bottom of my bed. I was tired now and I was dealing with a slight migraine. I had only stopped crying about thirty minutes ago but my breakdowns would come and go constantly so there was no doubt in my mind that I'd be falling asleep with fresh tears down my cheeks.

I really was sick of all of this. I was sick of thinking about it all because it just made me so distressed. The idea of liking girls was still so raw that I couldn't think about it anymore without having a panic attack and the idea of being attracted to Ellie sent me into a race towards the toilet. I don't know why it hit me so hard and was affecting me in such a brutal way. I suppose it was just because it had all happened in one day, scratch that, a few hours. I'd only ever questioned all of this now and it really was taking a toll on me.

I didn't want to dwell on the same things anymore and instead tried to be as logical as I could by taking a shower. I felt dirty and my face was covered in tears and snot, it was the best thing for me to have done. I guess I was also secretly hoping that it would wash away the feel of her touch. Or maybe the way her lips felt. The sound of her voice could've been washed away too. Fuck.

⚘᠂

I didn't want to take to long of a shower because I was desperate for sleep. I was in there for a bit longer than I would've hoped though because I was standing in the flow of water doing utter nothing for at least ten minutes. I tried to enjoy the shower but it just made me feel worse, I don't know why.

I stepped out as soon as the conditioner escaped my head, opting to not stand any longer in the pool of my own misery. I wrapped the towel around my body and tied it while using a separate towel to dry my hair a bit. I got dressed into the pyjamas I had brought in and quickly brushed through my hair. Ignoring my skin routine, I went straight to brushing my teeth and then hung my two towels over the shower door to dry.

I unlocked the door and opened it where I instantly looked towards Ellie's bed in hope that she would be in it, she was. My breath caught in my throat, surprisingly, and I stared at her lying beneath the sheets. Her back was to me as she faced the window and her bedside lamp was off, making the room much darker than before.

I was still so angry but I felt a sense of relief seeing her. It was like a great wave of comfort, that had washed over me, from knowing that she was okay. I don't think there would ever be a situation where I was so mad that I wouldn't care at all where she was. No matter how mad I was at her right now, I was so fucking relieved she came back. If she'd gotten herself hurt I don't believe that I could ever forgive myself. I was so mad but I cared so much and it was shattering me.

⚘᠂