The way I love you

25| Gracian

Lana did try to protest since she wanted to know straight away what was bothering Sean but this time her boyfriend didn't make any exception. He quietly ate, whilst Lana eventually did the same. During their breakfast, they started a conversation about some other topics, like calling the writers from Once this afternoon along with some arrangements they had to make in general. 

"Alright.", Lana finally said, still munching on a strawberry. "I am just having fruit left. You can tell me now.", she said with a soft smile. "By the way… everything was delicious. It's amazing outside...I really love it.", she confessed. "Thank you" 

"You're welcome, sweetheart.", Sean simply said with a smile, before trying to find the right words even though he went through them a couple of times. 

"Ehm… you talked to me about… hiding that pregnancy… and your fears…", he finally started, making Lana swallow since she knew straight away that this topic wasn't going to be easy to talk about. "And you are the one that always says that talking is the key. You advised Matthew to speak up when he found out about his baby… and… I wanna share my concerns as well.", he admitted. 

Lana put down the almost finished strawberry in her hands since her appetite was gone immediately, knowing now why Sean had waited till after breakfast. All kinds of thoughts swirled around her mind, kind of ripping her apart from the inside. 

"You don't want that child?", she asked unsure, not convinced anyone if his happiness was real.

Sean's eyes widened immediately, shaking his head meaningfully no. "Gosh. No. Never ever think that, okay? It's not about the baby. It's about you.", he said, making Lana look up in confusion. "I want you to talk it all off. All your unspoken memories of your first child….and I wanna honor it and I want to help you to get over it. Because to be honest… I don't think that you ever managed to let go. I am not talking about forgetting. I am talking about letting go of all those negative thoughts and fear.", Sean gently said, grabbing her hand. 

Lana's gaze stayed on her hand that was now laying in Sean's, not even sure about how to breathe. She knew what Sean meant and he was more than right. She never talked it through, she never shared the memories that still let her jump up in the middle of the night sometimes.

"What do you wanna know?", she asked quietly and nervous but she knew that it was just for her best to open up after all those years. 

Sean was actually surprised that she was willing to share with him straight away, even if he had hoped she would. A small smile crept up to his face, so he thought about his next move. "I want to be respectful…to you… and your lost one. I want you to know that you're safe by trusting me. Okay?", Sean asked, waiting for reassurance which Lana gave him in the form of a simple nod. "Okay… well maybe let's start with… what do you want me to call it? A baby? Fetus…?", Sean asked carefully. 

"Gracian… I… always thought about a baby boy. I don't know why because I always hoped for a girl… but when they told me that I just lost my baby… I thought about a little boy. The name Gracian means 'beloved'. My mother always told me she wanted a boy that she would have called Gracian… so that was honestly the first name I could think of and I think it fits him just well.", Lana confessed.

"It was very important to me to give him a name.", she said with a nod. 

"I can understand. I would have done the same…", Sean smiled slightly. "I know that you are quite… spiritual… so…have you met him?", Sean asked, making Lana grin since she knew exactly that Sean wasn't believing in stuff like that, so it was a nice gesture to try to understand her way of seeing the world and passed loved ones. 

"Yeah… I have. In my dreams. He is such a happy boy. He would be the same age as Flynn. Even a bit older maybe.", Lana chuckled. "He has black curls and very soft features. He enjoys playing instruments…", Lana added, wiping away a flow of tears.