Bitter Affectionate

Chapter 27

I felt like a ghost, sitting in the audience, watching my team play the first game of the season that actually mattered. I could hardly pay attention, but everytime I watched a teammate fumble a pass or the ball bounce off the rim, I stiffened in my seat. I wasn't going to come. I wanted to stay home, avoid all of my teammates until I was back in playing shape. Including Brent. But Mark insisted I go and "support the team." If you asked me, I'd say forcing me to watch the game was punishment for injuring myself.

I didn't really believe that, of course. But it was easier to make him a villain than to admit that I screwed up.

I could tell the gymnasium was alive, people yelling and jumping out of their seats. Everyone knew this game mattered. I couldn't hear any of it. I was sitting beside Mark, squeezed into the bleachers so close his leg overlapped mine, and I couldn't hear a thing over his deafening silence.

Sure, he wasn't actually silent. He was shouting louder than the coaches, and commenting under his breath on how much better the team would be doing if I was playing, and how useless the majority of my team was. None of that counted. It wasn't what I needed to hear. I was still waiting for that. Ever since I told him what happened, I'd been waiting, and every moment it didn't happen was a blur.

I was such an idiot. What did I expect to happen? That I'd finally say it out loud and he'd hug me and it would reverse everything, the way I felt, the bizarre and intense feeling I've had ever since that night? That kind of wishful thinking never got me anywhere before. It was especially useless now.

Brent was in the zone, I could tell that much. His face was determined, almost robotic. He never glanced toward the crowd nor the scoreboard. He accepted high fives and pats on the back without looking. I thought of how we played together. The subtle eye contact we'd make across the court. Hearing him laugh as he ran passed me. The way he'd holler over everyone else for my shots. Part of me wanted nothing more than to be on the court with them. But the rest of me felt like I'd never be able to get back out there. The fight I had with Brent poisoned a lot of good memories. Even if there was an easy antidote, I wasn't sure I wanted it. Not yet, anyway.

I wasnt sure how long we'd been there when Brent took a shot and the whole gymnasium held their breath. The first person stood before the ball even passed the hoop. He was a man I vaguely recognized, even with a baseball cap on his head and a puffy jacket around his shoulders. He was the first to cheer when the ball sunk clean through the hoop. People leaped out of their seats, and I was vaguely aware of them all screaming. Mark was standing with them, pumping his fist in the air. I didn't move until his hand landed on my shoulder and gave me a small shake.

"Drew, they won! Get up and cheer for the team," He told me, before turning from me again. He was hollering at all of them, but I could hear him singling out Brent. I couldn't shake the fact that he said the team and not your team.

Down on the court, our team was all over Brent, hoisting him up and cheering, pushing each other to pat him on the back. It was well deserved. Even I could tell he played better than ever today. He gave them absent smiles in return. He wasn't really paying attention. He was searching the audience. Looking for me.

It would be so easy to make my presence known. I was one of taller people here, surely just standing up would announce that I was there for him. That I supported him and our team. That our friendship could go back to the way it was.

I didn't move.

The team dragged him back toward the changing room, as the opposing team retreated with them. Their coaches followed and soon enough, everyone was standing from the bleachers and scattering. Some people left the gymnasium, some just stood to stretch their legs. This was the part of the game I never saw. Teachers talking to parents, girlfriends of the players wandering out to meet them in the hall, the scoreboard being reset. It felt surreal it witness it now.