Femme Empire

It's A New Day and I'm Feelin' Good

They say the distance is wrenching. They say that the distance between two hearts is inversely proportional to love. More the distance, less the love.

I didn't know if that was true. What I knew, is that when I woke next morning, I instinctively knew that my heart was gone, on the other side of the ocean, to fight for us. I knew I should cry. I knew I should feel bad. I knew that technically, I was going to come back to an empty house for the next two months. But, I felt numb. No emotions. Just a ceaseless void in my chest, screaming that a part of me was gone. But, I had given him my blessing. I had asked Ethan to leave me. I had no one to blame.

His absence was a physical ache in my bones, a weight pressing me to the Earth. It was a struggle to get out of bed when I felt this desolate. I knew this wasn't a breakup but it felt like one. No. Worse. It felt like divorce. It felt as if we were a happily married couple now separated by a cruel ocean. I touched my ring finger feeling the ghost of a presence of a wedding ring.

We hadn't talked last night- about our relationship. More for my sake than his. I hadn't in any way been ready to bid him goodbye. So, I had asked him to run before I stopped him.

I wanted him to go for himself. I needed him to be happy. How could I claim to love him by trapping him to me?

No matter, how much I needed him here, this answer had haunted him for years. I would walk through fire for him but I wondered if I could walk two months without him holding my hand.

The task seemed daunting. I reached to the bedside table and drank a full glass of water and make the knot in my throat go away.

There was a letter on that table. It must have been from him. I didn't open it. I couldn't waste time in my depressing thoughts today. Lots to do. Lots of people to fire. Lots of people to take revenge on. Ethan would have wanted me to smile. So, I smiled for my son and my dear, dear oak tree.

And damn did it feel good to smile.

I was going to work today.

And I needed to look kickass. It was a new company. I needed to chalk out my competition and destroy them. Nothing would stop the carnage I was going on.

A sexy formal dress was exactly the kind of armor I would need today. I had never worked for anybody. I had never had a boss to answer to, instead preferring to answer to myself.

My new boss needed to know that there was another alpha in the pack. I was aggressive and a lone player but I suppose, I could TRY to act friendly. Unknown environments made my hackles rise. Too many variables to be in my control. I was used to dominating the room. It would be a lesson to sit silently.

Besides, I hoped I would get to work with another woman. A woman in power was exactly someone I could work for.

So, I walked into my walk-in closet to choose among the many thousand dresses there.

After fifteen minutes, I screamed in frustration,

"Oh God! I have nooooooothing to wear......"

                      ________

I could have chosen the black formal dress and the patented White Louboutin heels I had originally planned on wearing. It was safe. It was meant to fit in.

But the dress lacked character. Seriously, a boring black dress was worse than wearing a bralette, stockings and spiked heels to work. At least the second option was less boring even if it got me fired.

Me wearing black. An abomination!

The very thought of being so depressing made me depressed.

Off with the black and white!

I wanted to be seen.

I needed to be heard.

I needed to turn heads today.

"It’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.", the queen, the icon, Marilyn Monroe had quoted.
She had always, always stood apart, she was always remembered. She was also my fashion guru.

So, I chose colour. Fire engine red, harlot red,rose red, inferno red, blood red and every shade in between in the tie and die dress that I was going to wear. The dress was high collar and a bit short but formal enough for the office. Bold red lipstick, hair curled into ringlets and a pearl necklace later, I looked like a 1960's Tita Von Teese.

It was way beyond what I should wear for work. It was exactly what I needed to wear to work.

Putting on my Ferragamo kitten heels, I was ready to conquer.

Except I had no idea what I was going to conquer.

I breathed in deep.

Time to rock and roll!

True to his word, Jamal had sent a car for me. The driver waited in uniform wearing a smile as he ushered me inside.

"Where are we going?", I asked the moment I was inside the car.

He just gave me a cryptic little smile and pulled away.

Damn it!

I pulled my phone out of my bag.

No calls yet. From Ethan. Or from the hospital.

Nothing had changed.

And in some ways everything had.

So, I put on some feel good jazz music and my sunglasses.

Life might not be good. But, I could be. I could choose to be.