Dreams Upon A Silver Pine Branch

Chapter 21: Timing and Compromising

Just as Johan had feared, Nardho and Nardhia did demand to know how his conversation with Kenta went. He deflected their question by saying their Pinean friend was unreachable and that he would try reaching out again soon, but when Clara asked him in private how everything was he could no longer deny that something had indeed gone amiss. He broke down in front of her.

"I ruined everything, Ma. I wish I had kept quiet and kept him in the dark about my feelings."

"Him?" Clara's wrinkles on her forehead deepened as she scrunched her face. "So my instinct was right. Look, Johan, I'm sure whatever you did to make your sweetheart angry you did out of fear. Fear doesn't justify angering him to the point of jeopardizing your relationship, but if he loves you as much you love him then chance is good that all you guys need is time."

"If you had an inkling about me being gay, why haven't you said anything until today?"

"I wanted to know how long you could keep it to yourself until you decided to tell me," Clara gently stroked her son's hair. "You're my child no matter what, gay or straight. I do worry about what this could spell out for your future since the world out there could be unforgiving to those who are different, so whatever you do please be careful. And no, I'm not gonna tell your dad."

"Ma, have you ever lived in a lie because you're not ready to bear the consequences of facing the truth? I mean, have you ever delayed confronting your fear because you needed to be braver first?" Johan asked timidly. "Like, you had no intention of lying, you were just buying time."

"I'm not sure if I've ever gone through the exact scenario you described," Clara cocked her head and put a hand to her chin. "But I'm a firm believer of the saying that the truth will set you free."

"Err, that depends on the nature of the truth, Ma. Spiritual truth can set us free, I agree, but a truth that could potentially endanger one's safety? I simply don't see how it can be freeing."

"Oh!" it gradually dawned on Clara that Johan was speaking in riddles. "Yes, son, if one's safety is at stake then perhaps it's best to guard the secrecy of the truth until the danger has passed."

"What if the danger will never pass?" Johan's heart sank. "What if it threatens us in our own homes and even if we do flee we have no choice but to return there at one point or another?"

"Then you can only conceal the truth for so long before all of hell breaks loose."

"Hell breaking loose is unavoidable, isn't it? We can hold off the disaster but it's still bound to happen," the teenager's gloomy expression turned gloomier. "Ma, is divorce really a sin?"

"Who am I to decide what is and what is not a sin?" Clara smiled bitterly. "Divorcing your dad will be a last resort but I'm giving you my words—I'll pursue that option when I'm out of other options. If you ever broach the subject of your sexuality with him and he reacts with anything other than open-mindedness, I'll tell him that our marriage is through. My child comes first."

"You're the bravest woman I've ever known, Ma."

"It's not bravery," Clara dismissed his compliment. "It's a deep-seated faith in the saying that love covers a multitude of sins. I love you, so if divorce is a sin I hope the Lord will overlook it on the basis that for a mother nothing is dearer than her own children. The same applies to you, Johan. You love Kenta, right? If your love is genuine then I pray that your lover's gender matters not in the eyes of the Lord. If I find out in the afterlife that He has a problem with who you love, then I swear I'll deny Him thrice before the rooster crows with the rising of the sun in the east."

"Like Simon Peter denied Jesus in the eighteenth chapter of the Gospel?"

"Aye. Exactly like that. If you're condemned eternally for staying true to yourself, then let me endure the eternal condemnation with you," she wrapped her arms protectively around Johan.