The Adventure of Andrea Baggins

Escape

"You can't reason with them, they're half-wits! » she heard Dori call out and located him over the fire.

"Half-wits? Then what does that make us?!", Bofur asked back, tied to the other side of the roast stick.

Andy's nostrils started shaking as she tried to hold back the laugh that rose in her chest.

"I mean with the seasoning", she brought back the topic.

"What are you doing?", Nori calls out, sounding distressed. Unimpressed Andy looked down to the dwarves.

"Me? Nothing. Just hanging around", she sassed and turned back to the trolls who stepped closer and now were about on her eyelevel. "What I mean is", she explains, «Have you smelt them? You're going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up. "

All dwarf heads spun around, staring at her in shock. Than it turned into anger.

"Traitor!" she heard a dwarf yell, standing out the most of all the insults that they threw at her. She was not sure, if it was Gloin, Dwalin or Thorin who said that. Angry they all sounded the same.

Getting frustrated with the daft dwarves, she snapped back.

"Oi! Quit the quaking, you lumps of meat!", she shouted, swinging back and forth on her rope, still not able to move her arms and legs properly. "If you think that was traitorous, then hold on to your beards. I haven't even got started yet. "

"What would you know about cooking dwarves?", one of the trolls asked, gaining back Andrea's attention.

"Shut up," the cook growls, making the dwarves and his fellow trolls go silent. Satisfied he then turned to Andy, grabbing the rope so she would stop spinning around in the air. "Now let's hear what the furaburburra-not-a-squirrel has to say. »

Even though, they were actually being mad at Andy, and their situation was not the best, Kili had to snicker.

"They thought you're a squirrel?", he wheezed, earning an indignant glare from Andy.

"I know, right? I don't even have a tail or fur! Anyway," she turned back to the trolls," they aren't that many dwarves anymore, you know. However, these thirteen you have in hostage, are really rare. They are the last of their entire folk. "

The trolls exchange excited glances, while the dwarves went back to cursing her. Andy, now completely in her role as storyteller, nodded a conspirative look in her eyes. "Aye. And because these are the last of their kind, I would not just cook them ordinary. There's a secret cooking recipe."

"Yes?", the third and unnecessary troll asked, coming closer. Andy's heartbeat speeded up. Dang it! She did not think this far! What was she supposed to say?

"The secret to cooking dwarves is...well... "

"Tell us what it is!" The cook grew impatient. However, snapping at Andy would not bring them anything. Her brows narrowed.

"Don't talk to me like that. I'm just about to tell you the most kept secret of dwarves. They had me swear, not to tell anybody. Now look where I am! So keep your nasty mouths shut, or I won't be telling you anything. Are we clear?" the trolls backed off a little. It didn't happen often, that their food talked back to them.

"The secret is to skin them first", Andy, said, after a second of calming down again. Again, the dwarves shouted out angry, made death wishes upon her and cursed her. Andy just rolled her eyes. Stupid dwarves, she thought to herself.

"What a load of rubbish", the idiot troll exclaimed, glaring over to the pile of furious dwarves. "I've eaten plenty with their skin on! Scarf 'em all with boots still on!"