Torn for choice

Twenty Six

A couple of days past, and right now as everyone else is at training i am sat at home.

Today is Marcos's birthday so Jonatan told me to take the day off which i'm really thankful for because i don't think i would have been able to train. Alexia and Mapi both offered to stay home with me but i told them to go and train and after a lot of persuading they finally gave in and agreed to go to training.

The whole team know about mine and Mapi's relationship, but the public don't know yet...

I got up slowly and then got ready. I just put on a tracksuit and shoved my hair up into a messy bun. I had a small bite to eat before getting in the car and driving to the beach me and Marcos always visited. It was his favourite place in the world, and it's mines too.

I got there and found a rock, sitting down on it. The beach is relatively quiet which was to be expected as it's a weekday and it's early.

I sat down and looked into the sky, taking deep breaths as thoughts of my brother filled my mind.

"You're fifteen today," I started to talk into the sky. "The first birthday without you," I chuckled as tears started to flow down my face. "I miss you. It's still weird playing a match knowing you're not in the crowd cheering me on, although i know you're watching it's not the same. I've not cried much just like you asked. I've started to come to terms with the fact that you're happy now, and you got your wish, and at the end of the day that's all that matters. Today will be different though. I'll definitely cry today. Me and Ona broke up. We broke up a while ago because i wasn't ready, but she understood at the time. Now we're not on the best of terms. She said something that hurt me and i hurt her by hooking up with Mapi, but she also hooked up with one of her United teammates. I'm dating Mapi now. I don't hate Ona, i don't think i ever will be able to hate her. I loved her a lot, but i'm not in love with her anymore. I'm with Mapi, and she's definitely my person, she's the girl i'm in love with"

I stopped and took a deep breath, wiping the tears from my face.

"Happy birthday, Marcos. Happy fifteenth, i love you with all of my heart. I'll never forget you. You're the best little brother i could have ever asked for. I'll forever love and miss you. See you in another lifetime, buddy"

I sat at the beach for a couple of hours, just watching as the waves hit land. I drove home with tears in my eyes and by the time i got home Alexia was back from training. I walked in and saw Mapi, Jenni and Alexia sitting on the couch, clearly waiting for me.

Alexia stood up and walked over to me, i walked into her arms, collapsing into them and breaking down into tears. Alexia carried me onto the couch and then held me tightly, allowing me to cry into her shoulder.

"He should still be here"
I cried as the girls listened closely.

"He was so young. He had his whole life ahead of him"

"It should have been me instead of him"
I sobbed and Alexia lifted me, making me look at her.

"Look at me"
She demanded, so i did.

"Don't say that. I know he was too young. I also understand what you're trying to say, but it shouldn't have been you. He didn't deserve his life to end so quickly, but you don't deserve that either. No one does. Grieving is a long and hard process, Aitana. And you've got a long way to go, but you're getting there. You're beginning to come to terms with it. You've got me, you've got all of us. We're your family, kid. I bet you he's having the best party right now. I can also assure you that he is so proud of you, but he needs you to keep going. You've done amazing so far, so you can't give up now. You're his hero, and watching you is all he's ever wanted to do. He told me that the day he leaves this world is the day he gets to watch you every single day. He gets to watch you play and train, and that's something he's always wanted to do. Marcos loves you with every bone in his body, and i know you love him just as much as he loves you. His memory will forever live on in your heart. He's still in your heart, Tana. He'll never be fully gone, and that's a good thing. Part of him will always be with us. With you."