To have and to loathe

• 𝐂hapter 59

As we headed out onto the main road, I stared blankly out the window, desperately trying to keep my emotions banked and at bay. I couldn't afford to ruin this. I could do this. I was not going to have a breakdown. I was not going to cry.

The traffic was light. In no time, the car came to a final stop.

"We're here, miss."

When I thanked him and stepped down, I looked up at the towering building and brushed my hand nervously over my dress.

One of the security officers who had recognized me led me up the elevator and whisked me through a few halls to where her lodge was.

I sucked in a deep breath before entering, half expecting to see Killian waiting for me but he wasn't there.

"Oh, you've arrived," Mary gleamed, turning away from her mirror. "You have no idea how worried I've been."

I hadn't thought anyone would care about me after I left Killian. "I'm sorry."

She waved her hand at me. "Oh, it's fine. How have you been? You look too thin, are you eating properly? is your new apartment safe enough?"

I managed a rueful smile. "I'm fine, Mary. And thanks for the dress and shoe."

She smiled and rubbed my arm. "It's the little I could do." Her eyes lowered to my bump. "How's the baby?"

"It's fine. Better than I expected."

"It's remarkable. You're very fortunate. When I was carrying Eve, I was sick every single day."

"I'm sorry about that."

"Oh, it's fine. I'm just so pleased you're carrying my step-son's child and he's going to be a father soon." She impulsively squeezed my hand. "Poor thing, you look so pale. Are you sure you're okay in that place? I can talk to Killian and—"

"Oh no please don't." I stopped her.

She released a sigh. "You're still mad at him, aren't you?"

I lowered my head and nodded.

"How are you two going to work things out if you don't talk things over?"

I opened my mouth to argue but the words got stuck in my throat. I cleared it. "I don't think we're compatible with each other. We don't fit."

"You've only known each other for months my dear, there's still a lot to learn and determine if you both fit or not." She rubbed my arm encouragingly. "If you really love my stepson, you'll give him a chance to fight for the family he wants to build with you. Everyone deserves love. You both do."

I simply smiled. "Your words are always encouraging."

She waved me off with her hand and smiled. "You're my favorite girl and I'm fighting for this because I know you both care for each other. I wouldn't if I didn't think so." She patted my hand. "There's a lot of food if you're hungry. You can take as much as you want okay."

I smiled, parting my lips to speak but a sharp needle sensation pricked my body from head to toe when the door shut open and Killian's voice rang over.

"Mother, I don't think this tie will —" he paused and drew a step back, his eye going wide. "Hope."

My mouth dried. It was him. And Lesley was right, he looked utterly like a mess and I thought I would be unbreakable when I saw him again but the sight of his pale face and the wounded look in his eyes jabbed stab wounds all over my heart.

A thick silence pressed between us as we stared at each other, drinking each other, reliving that night. It had been a month but just staring at him made my backside ache.