My relationship with mental health

07/02/24

I've always felt like people hate me. I don't need a reason; I just perceive it as the truth. Even the people closest to me, I believe, hate me. I don't have any friends(that's how I feel at least) and have a history of tumultuous relationships. I don't always feel this way, but on days like today, I do. What's different about today? Honestly nothing, it's just another day. The only thing making today any different is me. I'm the problem. Well, not me, but my brain.

Today, I woke up feeling empty. I feel this way from time to time—not always, but a lot. It doesn't happen every day, but on days like today, it feels like it happens daily. And the worst part is, I can't even control it if I wanted to. I have borderline personality disorder. In translation, people believe I'm evil, abusive, and manipulative once they find out it's just the stigma, I'm in therapy I'm medicated and I'm getting help. I'm at the point where I only tell close friends, and even then, half of them don't know. Hold on, I need to go cry. I don't even know why. I just need a second.

This is "normal" on days like today. So I prioritize self-care to the best of my ability, I read for an hour today and showered to get it out of the way. Today is going to feel incredibly long. The worst part is the hole in my stomach. Sometimes, when I feel like this, I have an innate urge to feel empty—translation: starving myself. Not because I have an eating disorder, but partially because I have an eating disorder. Most people with BPD do it; it's like a control thing. But today, it's not about that. On days like today, I either feel like I'm starving and need to eat everything, or I get this feeling—this hole in my stomach that'll make me sick if I eat anything, which sucks because the same thing will happen if I don't eat. So for now, I'm opting to wait for the nausea to settle in, then I can force myself to eat.

I don't know why I started writing today, maybe to help keep track of how I'm feeling. I'm not sure. I have an appointment with Dr. Valentino today. She's my psychiatrist, so I'll probably have to tell her about how I feel empty today. That's okay, though. I think what sucks the most today is that I keep crying. This whole last hour, I've spent crying. I can't even control it. I think the worst part of this disorder isn't feeling empty. I think it's the fact that I wasn't born with this; I developed it. Because of trauma, so now I get attached too easily, have an avoidant attachment issue, feel empty, feel manic and depressed on a whim, and worst of all, I get this overwhelming feeling that the slightest change in someone's mood is my fault. It sucks. Why can't it just be the OCD? I hate my OCD, but not more than this—not more than feeling perpetually empty. There's nothing worse than that.

I decided to get some food: Greek yogurt with granola, a Cutie, an applesauce pouch, and a peach Alani, which I'd never seen before. I've only ever drank their coffee, but it was good. I also told one of my housemates(they know have BPD) that if they see me crying, to just ignore it. They told me they're here to talk if I needed to, but I do not need to talk nor do I want to; I just feel this way sometimes, and I explained that too. I love them, and it was so kind, but I only said something because I didn't want anyone to worry. I was crying while eating breakfast (it was 11:30) on our porch swing, and I thought they saw. I just wanted them not to worry.

When I feel empty like this, I feel like I know myself even less. I force myself to be happy—or at least, I think I do. I blast mxmtoon and other upbeat, happy music instead of my usual vibey, sad songs because I do not need to make myself cry more than I already will today.

From the moment I wake up, I feel it. It's like everything is silent, and I just want to lay there and stare at the wall. I have no motivation to do anything other than doom scroll. So instead, I force myself up and do things to help better my mood. There's no changing the fact that I woke up feeling empty, but that doesn't mean I can't have a good day while feeling this way. It just means I have a threshold for how good of a day it will be.

With lots of therapy, I do my best to attempt—at the very least—to still have a decent day on my bad days. So that's today's goal.