Love, Curvy | 18+

F O R T Y

I sit up and stretch my arms. Everything felt sore and tiring. My limbs felt like they were not connected with my body anymore. I felt him kiss my shoulder blade as he wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer "I'm happy, Lana." I smile "With me?"

"Yes, you." He pauses "I love you."

And there it was. The guilt was back. Twisting in my heart like a sharp knife, killing me from the inside.

Why can't I say it back?

I ask "What time is it?" I tap on the screen of his phone. I didn't know it before but it was a picture of me. From the pink dinner we went to get pancakes. I was smiling to the point my eyes were invisible, I smiled big. "You have me as your wallpaper?" He whispers "That's the clean version of it." My brows lift "The clean version?" He unlocks his phone with a Face ID and in the background, behind his apps, it's me with a freaking donut stuffed in my mouth. I whine "Not this one!" He chuckles and presses the side button instantly before I could grab the phone. He defends himself "I like it. It's my phone and I can put any picture I want."

"Yeah, well, that's my face."

"And you're my girlfriend." He kisses my cheek "Come outside. I bought pancakes and I know they're soggy by now. I'll heat them for you in a pan." He gets out of the bed with his phone and walks out.

I do as he says. Brush my teeth and come out in an oversized shirt that reached to my knees. With underwear. And my glasses on my nose. He flips the pancake in the pan and turns around "There she is." I raise my brow behind my glasses and he walks over to me, grabs my face, and squished my cheeks between his palms till my lips get puffy. He kisses my lips and says "The nerd that shot me in the heart with a Cupid's arrow." I snort "Cheesy." He smiles "I don't care." And then goes back to the stove. Putting the pancake on the plate and served it right to me with a side of Hershey's syrup and milk. I cut up the piece and offered him a bite and he just leans in, taking it from my fork.

He spoke with his mouth full "I need to run now. A last-minute thing came with Mr. Hutchinson about the deal." I nod my head because I knew how badly he trying to get it done as soon as possible. It was his way to save the people from losing their jobs "Want me to come with you?" He shakes his head "No need. I saw you limping on your way to the kitchen. Get some rest." He makes his way around the island and stands in front of me as I finish up the bite in my mouth "I would've planned a date for us tonight but I know I'm gonna be swamped in paperwork if the deal is successful. Which I hope will be. But I'll tell you though, okay?" I nod and l lift my fork to his lips with pancakes. He takes it in his mouth and kisses my lips "I'll call you. Bye." I couldn't say anything with my mouth stuffed as I watch him leave with his jacket over his arm.

And then I was left alone with the thoughts in my head. With that nightmare roaming in my head. Why am I guilty? That's because I just cheated on my sweet boyfriend with his step-brother. Nothing weighed me down more than the question in my head.

Was Nick lying when he told me he never felt guilty? Does he feel guilty even just a little bit with the thought that he took his step-brother's girlfriend's virginity away? Technically, he didn't take it. I gave it away. Willingly. Does that make me a monster? Yes!

I once thought that I deserved to be loved after Rick. I deserved to be happy. I deserved a man who will tell me that he's happy when he's with me. But that is all just fantasy. The truth is I don't deserve Harvey. I don't deserve his love, his kindness, his smiles, or his kisses. He's truly a man that I have dreamed of. Caring, compassionate. He's a man that checks everything off the list I created in my head. And if Nick wasn't here, if he was my past and had never met me again after seven years, would things with Harvey be any different? Would I be faithful? I don't know anymore. I'd like to think that I would be. But in reality, I'm worse than Rick. He never cheated on me. Ever. That much I can say with confidence.