Moleman's Epic Rap Battles #29: Elsa Vs. Elphaba

Moleman's Epic Rap Battles #29 Part 2: Hans' Bizarre Adventure

What time is it? It's time to kick your sorry ass!

You've got an uninvited guest; your one-man-party's getting crashed!

I'm putting out a hit on you, and the assassin is myself;

Wrecking you worse than what this crown has done to my own mental health!

You'll go kablooie like a Mushroom bomb, smote by my wizard wrath;

The Cosmic Owl spoke ill of me, but you're an actual sociopath:

It's true, I never was a paragon of proper princess-treatment,

But you're douchey as my heart, and that's no Holly Jolly Secret!

Call me Evergreen: my rapping skill's in bloom all through the year!

Ice King's no Nice King on the mic; my chilling verses should be feared.

To penguins' Cheers, I'll blast your rear to Where Nobody Knows Your Name,

And leave the role of Elsa's second challenger as mine to claim!

• Hans: •

Yeah, stick to writing your fan fiction, Dr. No-Brains; you're hysteric!

Wouldn't be shocked to hear that Marceline came up with all your lyrics!

Still, to take on Elsa, I'll need all the help that I can get,

So join me on my journey, Simon, and we'll make a mean duet!

Simon: Well, my track record facing humans is a far cry from sublime,

And my lucid resolve to fight you's slipping anyway, so fine!

Hans: Excelsior! Between the two of us, she hasn't got a chance;

Perhaps I'll spare her after all and leave her for you to romance!

• Victor Fries: •

Cool story, bros, but that's Cold Comfort, 'cause I'm out my Arkham cell,

And here to put you both in Deep Freeze; make your lives a living Hell!

My body temperature's SubZero, but I'm in a rapping fever,

Trashing faux-humanitarians and hyper-bearded geezers!

When it comes to tragic villainy, my very name's a synonym.

No Schwarzenegger antics here; I'll keep puns to a minimum.

Your flows are more disjointed than my casting in the sixties,

And I'll shatter you like dino bones; undo your efforts swiftly.

I'll adapt to any licks I take, and school you night or day;

Even maintaining threat reduced to just a head on spider-legs!

Let there be no doubt in your minds: cross my Cold, Cold Heart of Ice,

And like that wack Walt Disney wannabe, you'll dearly pay the price!

• Hans: •

Now, what would Nora think of this aggression? We should get along;

Like your depiction on The Batman, Victor, you've got us all wrong!

Simon: Plus, you and I are kindred spirits, man!

Hans: Come join us on our quest,

To conquer Elsa's crown!

Simon: ...And prove which cryomancers are the best!

Fries: Oh, why not? I've little else to do with my pathetic life;

Let's mess her up worse than a Lazarus Pit bathing for my wife!

Hans: A grand proposal, Mr. Fries! Now carry onwards as we sing;

Let us delay no further time, for I just can't wait to be king!

• Aslan: •

Put 'em up! It isn't safe or good if you would try to fight this;

Aslan isn't a tame lion, nor a coward in the slightest!

You're Ridiculous as Rabadash: jackassery aplenty;

Know your train's about to crash, and you won't wake up in my Country!

When I sing a song, entire worlds are prone to taking shape;

My words are deeper than the magic from before the dawn of time!

Simon here smells like Tash, and Hans is Shiftier than any ape;

Same as that sodding skeptic Susan, you three ain't no friends of mine!

I'm putting down my foot like Dufflepuds: at your weak rhymes, I scoff;

I'll send you flying across the sea and let my dad finish you off!

It's your Last Battle if you'd step to me; surrender while you can,

Or I'll slay you as I shall she whose endless Winter plagues this land!

• Simon: •

You've got some nerve, dude!

Fries: For all you know, we're just out on a stroll!

Hans: With due respect, your furry majesty, we share a common goal;

I'm fairly certain who this "she" is, and we're out to get her too:

'Twould be an honor if our quest could be accompanied by you.

Aslan: From royalty down to the humble mouse, I see the good rewarded,

As you'll be as well if you indeed help see this menace thwarted.

Hans: So it's settled, then! The King of Beasts will join in our adventure,

And we four shall stand assembled like the ice witch-slaying Avengers!