The Other Prior: Candice Prior || Divergent Fanfiction

Chapter 22: The Funeral

I can't believe that Jake's death is being chalked up to suicide. I can't believe he says that Jake was 'brave' enough to explore a path none of us have. It was death. It was a real thing, and it isn't a game. It is death. It's a real problem, and while I should be relieved nobody is investigating further, I am outraged at the fact that Max has just announced to the people of Dauntless that Jake is a suicide case. He was brave. Braver than I will ever be. The act of pushing him off the ledge was a cowardly thing to do. It was because I was afraid of death. It was my fault.

I can't deal with it anymore.

I turn just as the Dauntless around me start chanting Jake's name. Echoes of "Jake, Jake, Jake" Fill my ears, taking the meaning out of his name and pummeling in on the table with their fists. There is banging of glasses, shouts, and screams. This is not a funeral. It is not a ceremony. It is another excuse for a party, taking all the meaning out of Jake's life. But the true cause of that is me. They are not the ones that punched him in the jaw. They are not the ones that took advantage of his girlfriend's name to escape his grasp. They are not the ones that kicked him off the walkway. They are not the ones that failed to pull him away from death. They are not the ones that stared in horror as he was impaled by the jagged rocks at the chasm.

I am.

I rush out of the Pit not able to take the insincerity the Dauntless carry, vowing silently to never again attend a Dauntless funeral. My eyes feel hot from the tears rushing down my cheeks. I have now given up on maintaining my composure, sobbing as I run through Dauntless headquarters trying to get away from the Pit. I want to go back to the dorms and cry myself to sleep when nobody is there to see me do so. I change my course so I'm heading back to the dorms forgetting what I have to pass in order to get there.

The chasm.

The chasm hits me like a wall of hot bricks bringing back both emotional and physical pain to my body. It drives me to a stop as I just hold in my breath and think. I think about the last time I was on this walkway with Mia, and I can practically see her falling apart in front of me as we both see Jake's body being hauled up from the chasm.

I take a step forward, coming closer to the spot where Mia was crying, and Jake was lying just a few hours ago.

I suck in air through my teeth unable to get the image of his dead body out of my mind.

I see images in my brain of the tall, lanky person I used to call a friend apprehend me in my mind. None of them are good, and all of them seem to be focused on what I did wrong. I see myself kick him in the chest and send him over the edge, but my mind seems to alter the memory, so I don't go to grab him and just watch him fall. It adds immensely to the guilt that I feel.

I killed him even though it was supposed to be me that went over the ledge last night.

And that is the only version of truth that I am capable of comprehending, my mind automatically editing out the parts where I didn't mean to cause harm to him, or when I didn't hesitate to grab him as he fell. I am unable to reason with myself. I am unable to see why a murderer like me should be allowed to live. I may not have been caught, but I have already gone through trial. My own trial which I was doomed to fail because I refuse to see the reasons which I had for doing it. All I see is that I did it. And that what I did was unacceptable. And all murderers get the same sentence.

Death.

I put one foot on the railing of the chasm, blinded completely by the sentence I have issued myself.

I am ready for death. I am convinced I don't belong to this world anymore. I am ready to give Jake his last wish.

I step up again now on the second rung of the walkway railing. The third one is the top one. The third one is where I will take up life from.

I place a foot on the last rung of the railing and haul myself up now relying only on my balance to keep up from falling to my death. I lean forward and close my eyes, but the fall that I am expecting never comes. Instead, two rough hands grab me from behind and pull me towards their owner.

"What the hell are you doing?" A voice spits behind me, still holding me tightly to their chest.

I recognize the voice as Amar, but my composure fails me as I realize what I was about to do. I burst out crying into his chest for the second time since I arrived at Dauntless. And I don't even feel ashamed, my feelings of guilt are too overwhelming for me to feel anything else.

"It's okay. It's okay." He says, brushing the back of my head slightly with his hand as I sob into the crook of his neck and shoulder.

After a few minutes during which he does nothing but stay there silently, I think to make sure I don't jump again, as I continue to cry, letting the events of last night get to me.

"Why?" The word is so soft that I almost don't hear it. But I do.

"I- I- _ can't live with myself anymore." I say, and before giving him the time to answer, I continue. "I'm a bad person."

"No, you're not."

"You wouldn't say that if you knew."

"Knew what?" He asks, and I can feel the discomfort rising in him as his voice becomes more restricted. I can't bring myself to answer him.

"Knew what, Andi?" He asks, pushing me away from me and holding me at an arm's length away from him, his voice becoming more forceful than before.

"I- I- I killed him." I whisper, the first time that I am admitting it out loud. "I killed Jake."

I am the reason he is dead.