A Thousand Hills

Slow Down

"I'll give you 4 years before we can think about children again, I wanna enjoy you first" he says pulling me to him and kissing my neck

"I'm still off limits" I say

"I know, can't a man just kiss his wife?" He asks jokingly

"Do you blame me for losing the baby?" I ask sad.

I've tormented myself all day with this question because he never wants to talk about.
Initially he said we'll talk when I'm better but these days we talk about everything and anything except the miscarriage.

"Muhlez, the doctor said it was going to happen either way, it's not like you knew or wanted a child.
I'm just annoyed that even after I asked you to slow down, you defied me.
How do you think it looks that my woman is slaving over a regular 9-5 making half the money you used to earn. Stressing so badly you think it messed up your cycle when the issue is bigger?" He asks annoyed

I have no response, a simple yes or no would have been enough

"What valid reason do you have for working at that place" he asks seemingly more disappointed than angry, which is a lot worse.

Again I have nothing to say, there's a shamefulness, a kind of sadness that's lingering since that dreadful night

"This union is going to be a lot easier if you stop being stubborn. Are you still in pain" he asks

His eyes pierce into mine, his skin is a beautiful brown shade, it's no wonder I like licking him, he reminds me of chocolate. It's the puffy dark circles under his eyes that give away the restless nights we've had.

"Pain is gone, just a little loopy" I say but am cut by a call on Teams that's coming in

"Finish up so you can come to bed, you look tired" I say kissing him and leaving him to his work.
Normally he doesn't bring work home but on rare occasions, his overseas deals require him to work after hours and these past 2 weeks he's been by my side, so work is lagging.

It's insane how as much as I didn't know I was pregnant, miscarrying has left me very sad.
Phakamile and I agreed to enjoy the first few years of our relationship without children way before it happened but somehow I'm not happy about the loss

Unfortunately, the pull out method and the Holy Spirit were not enough to stop us from conceiving. Shock

For someone who thought they were dying 12 nights ago, I feel physically fine, high but fine. This bedroom gives me flash backs.
Terrible flash backs and I tear up for the first time since the incident happened, I'm tired of pretending like it didn't happen.

I came home after 9pm to find Phakamile making dinner, I offered to get take outs on my way home but he was adamant he wanted a home cooked meal and was cold from the kiss hello.

"This can't go on, I won't be the first one home almost every night, just to have takeouts or your 10 minute grilled special" he said

"We just landed a campaign and I don't want to slack off especially because I'm new. How would it look if I left while the whole team stayed behind" I asked

"Drinks after work now counts as work?" He asked

"That was a team building thing, to get to know each other and it won't be happening often, hell I even left early"

"There you go again, with an answer to everything, do you not see anything wrong here.
I just want to come home to a warm house with a meal cooking or waiting. I'm not asking too much of you but instead you insist on this little Ms independent charade. Just going off and doing your own thing and not calling me.
For starters when are you moving in, it's been months now and why am I hearing from construction workers that you fell when you went by the house or that your ceiling broke and you needed the geyser fixed" he continued getting more annoyed