the albatross [prose] - ❈

II

'How am I gonna control this? What is going on?' many questions popped inside my disheartened head. I was afraid, scared of my own perception. I didn't feel safe but I kinda knew I couldn't do anything about it. There were too many things to think about and apparently too much time to spend. It had its positive sides as not having to seek for food anymore, no more being scared of dying in dangerous situations. No one could see me going wherever I wanted to, I was free, free from every obstacle that life fit to living being. No more conflicts with other earth or sky's inhabitants. No more fear of humans, I would have been able to join them and follow them in all those mysterious habits and rituals they have always used to do when I only could see them from my cliff, and that now I could assist closely.

I felt ashamed of thinking good things about that situation. I was being way too rational and calm about it, with the exception of my heart beats, if I could consider having a heart yet. 'It can not be true. It can not be over.' Also if all that was not a dirty trick of my mind, it would have implied loneliness, no more impact on the world, I officially just passed from participant of life to passive onlooker. I could no longer feel anything but my heavy thoughts, farewell to the shiver of flying and all the exciting adventures of life. My life was gone, but I couldn't admit it yet

'I can't really be considering that. There has to be another explanation.' I had to think. For long nights, I've been thinking, not getting anywhere but still not losing the hope. So I decided to make another try. I needed more proves, I could not base all those thoughts on simply feelings. I flew up to have a better view, there was no one. I moved forward the backcountry, looking for any kind of habitation or thing. The wild scenery of sand dunes made me mournful, those sand hills that used to be my home, were just part of a cold landscape for life to keep. I decided to head towards the harbour then, trying to avoid those thoughts. I could finally see the masts of some sailing boats docked at the jetty, my aim was to crash against it, eventually trying to not get hurt, but that was the point, if my body was not real anymore, I would have passed the mast with no problem and without getting hurt. I perched on a nearby the roof. Just in front of me I had a sailing ship, dark wood which emanated a strong damp moss smell. I set upright on my talons, waiting for the wind to calm down a bit. The air was dizzy and I felt the roof a little wobbly, myself. I tried to clean up my mind so I unfurled my wings and punched towards the woody mast, a tear dropped from my eye and the crisp air immediately took it as I was pushing against it. it must have been just some seconds, but it felt like hours. I closed my eyes then. I perceived a sort of flow crossing firstly my head, then my throat and my body, quickly. I bravely opened my eyes. Sea in front of me was bewildering, with those sparkles caused by the waves and the playful fishes, the cradled seaweeds brought by the steam. I had never paid much attention to such a breathtaking and expected thing, even if that look lasted not more than a few seconds, it felt like talking to an old friend, for ages. I had crossed the mast and I was alright, a little shaken. All that had just proved that I couldn't be alive, even if in that moment, it was the feeling.

I didn't know it yet, but a long journey was waiting for me.