Therapy Sessions

4

"I'm scared." I never really say these words out lout. Especially not when it concerns me going back to Germany. But it's the truth. I am scared. I'm scared of going back and everything has changed. People tell me all the time that when they came back it felt like no time had passed but I feel different. I know that I have changed for sure. Nothing major but it's the small things. I speak differently, I smell differently, I even walk differently, but most importantly, I think differently. I got a look into a new life and that has changed me. While in some cases it just strengthened my former beliefs, it made me reevaluate others.

And then there's the people in Germany, of course. My family and friends. I know they have changed too. They built new friendships, relationships and just lived a whole 9 months without me. They went through a truly different experience than I did and we will never be able to fully understand what the other experienced. Whenever I speak to them they tell me that their lives are like they were before: boring and that nothing has changed. But once again I see the changes. It's very subtle but I can see them and I know that if I can already see them now, then they will be unavoidable once I'm back.

Gosh, I don't think you know exactly how scared I am of going back and having to face all those changes. My life before going to the states wasn't perfect but it was the closest thing to that I've ever experienced. And I know that I won't be returning to my old life. Well in a sense I will, but really it will be an abstract reality of what I once called my life. What if I come back and understand none if my friends' inside jokes? What if my family feels distant? What if I'm just alone?

That's the part I'm most scared of: being alone. I know I definitely won't be alone and maybe "lonely" would describe it better. Anyway, I'm scared of having no one to talk to, no one that understands how I feel and whom I can talk to. And yes, while I have another friend who's going through the same thing, she won't be there for the first month and I will have to go through it alone. When they told me that going on exchange was hard I never thought that coming back home was the part that would be the worst. Even when I left my family thousands of kilometres behind I knew I would return but now it's different. I know that I will return but I have no idea what I'm returning back to and that's scary.

- 03/16/2022