Lullaby |Dean Winchester|

Epilogue

Andy.

She was my Andy.

And now she was gone.

I shook my head, teeth grinding against each other as I reached for an old crow bar leaning against a small, beat up vehicle. It almost looked like Stanley. My heart lurched, causing my fingers to wrap tightly around the cool metal.

It wasn't until I came up to the black Impala that energy coursed through me. It was as though as a hand were on my heart—maybe even her hand—squeezing until I would burst. The bar was above my head before I could process what I was doing. With all of the hurt, and pain, and betrayal, I brought it down with all of my strength on Baby. Over and over again, letting Andy's sacrifice fuel every part of my body. My fault. Slam! She's dead because of me. Slam! I killed her. Slam! "Gah!" I screamed out in rage, my breathing coming rapidly as I continued to destroy one of the last things I still loved.

"Dean! Knock it off! Dean!" Bobby's voice was gruff and furious, deeper than normal on apart of having likely been crying himself. And he should. He'd known Andy since she was 11. He'd grown up with her dad. I'd known her almost a year. Did I really have a right to mourn? Ignoring his words, I tightened my grip and brought down two more hard swings, watching the hood crumple a little more. It reminded me of my life: falling in all around me. Suddenly a hand grabbed my wrist as I came down for the next blow. "You think this is what Andy wants?" Bobby growled beside me.

I gritted my teeth until my jaw ached. "It's my fault, Bobby. All my fault." The words managed to get out—shaking as much as I was—as I waited for him to release my arm, agree with me and turn away with a disgusted look. Instead, Bobby pried the tool from my fingers and caught me as my knees gave out. My anger was the only fuel I was running on, and he was stealing it from me.

"This ain't your fault, boy." Bobby whispered, easing me down to the ground where my head lulled forward in desperation. "Andy's a grown ass woman. She's made her own decisions, ever since she was little. There's no changing that mind of hers." My laugh was bitter as I stared at the ground, the anger subsiding, leaving nothing but a numb feeling in my bones and a hole where my heart should be. "I'll leave you be if you're done with your tantrum. When you're ready, you can come back in and mourn with the rest of us." He turned from where I sat, broken down on my knees in the dirt. "Andy always loved when we were all together."

I paid no attention to him as he made his way back to the house, taking the crow bar with him. As my breathing slowed, the words my future self had told me raced through my head. "Don't turn your back on her. Don't let her out of your sight for a second, because the one time you do is all it takes. The one time you blink is when it's all over, and there's no way of getting her back. Not ever. Cherish the time you've got with her, cuz she's it for us. For you." How could I have been so stupid? How could I have not cherished every joke and pie shared? Every touch? Every kiss? Now it was gone.

All of it.

Without a single ounce of dignity, I pulled myself up and made my way into Baby, needing to do something. The keys came out of my pocket and into the ignition just as easily as always. Swinging from the rearview mirror was the the bubble charm she'd gotten me for Christmas, saying I needed a reminder of her. As if she was ever not on my mind. If I closed my eyes, I could almost pretend nothing had changed. That if I just turned my head, Andy would be laughing at me for being so stupid. She'd kiss my cheek and tell me it was time to shave again. She'd laugh because the scruff would tickle her nose. She'd be whole, and safe, and mine.