The Adventures We Never Had

Existential Crisis

I face crises all the time
and to escape them,
I constantly distract myself
with YouTube, TV shows etc.
But they're only distractions,
they only temporarily keep me
from thinking about the crises
and more often than not,
they even keep me
from doing the things
I need to do
to solve the problems
that triggered the crisis
in the first place

So that realisation
only makes me go
deeper down the rabbit hole
of distractions,
now with the knowledge
that the distraction only
delays the inevitable.

The longer I'm distracted,
the bigger the problem
that triggered my mind
to think about
these existential crises
gets,

And now, even the distractions
become less enjoyable
because I am now dreading
the idea of what would happen
to me
if I step out of this bubble
of distractions.
Now even the distraction
that made me forget
about my worries
and be happy
makes me feel kinda sad.

So now,
I have a very interesting dillemna,
do I stand here in the bubble of distractions
for as long as I can
until it keeps shrinking
and gradually bursts?
Or should I step out of my bubble
and face a problem that grew exponentially larger
because I chose to ignore it
by distracting myself
with fleeting moments of bliss?

And then,
the bubble becomes a bubble of regret
rather than distraction.
I stay in this bubble now
because I'm afraid of what exists
outside that bubble
while regret poisons my soul.

The longer I stay inside the bubble,
the more bigger and bitter the regret grows,
meanwhile, outside the bubble,
even the problem grows much bigger
and more serious.

I made the situation more complicated
than it is all by myself,
I was responsible for my own problem
growing bigger than it should have been.
Thinking about happier times
only worsens my regret
because I know that I could
probably have solved the problem by now
and gotten through this situation
if I had tried,
but I didn't.

Now, poisoned by regret,
crippled by fear
of what will happen
to me
if I face the mutated monster
of a problem that I created,
all my positive thoughts, skills, self-confidence
and happy memories
start to seem like a distant dream.
I start to wonder
if I even had any of these things
in the first place?

Naturally, I'm ashamed of myself
because of this.
I don't want to share this
with anyone I know
because I don't want to be pitied,
so I'll avoid my friends, family and loved ones
because I fear the question
"How are you?"
I feel inferior now,
inferior to everyone else
because they have their lives in order
but I don't.

Sure,
I'm a "I don't care about what society thinks" person,
but I do care about what my loved ones think.
I don't want to tarnish the image of me that they have.
It's their pity I fear now.
So I'll avoid them,
I'll avoid them all,
until I'm left alone
with my thoughts
and as you can guess,
I'm not having very pleasant thoughts
at the moment.
So now,
even loneliness joins the party.

So where do I go from here?
What will happen to me?
To avoid these questions,
I surround myself in darkness,
because I feel like I don't deserve the light,
I don't deserve good things,
I don't deserve to smile,
I don't deserve to be happy,
And in the darkness,
I loose myself.