Standing on One Foot

5. Trust and Resentment

Heyo, here's chapter 5

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The dining table at Steven's house was large and rectangular. The legs were made of metal – Lex didn't know what kind – and the top was a sheet of glass. The chairs were black leather with legs that matched the table. Even though only Lex and Steven used the dining table, it had space for six people. A waste of space in Lex's opinion.

It was far too extravagant, Lex thought, to have a separate room specifically to eat in. It didn't make sense either. Why would you move things further away from the kitchen, only to take them back there?

It had been two weeks since Lex arrived, and in that time they had mostly eaten in silence.

No matter what Lex was served, he struggled to eat while he was being watched, and so he pushed the food around the plate, piling it to make it seem as though he had at least attempted to eat it. Lex didn't want Steven to misunderstand and assume that he didn't like the food because that wasn't the case.

Steven ate slowly and he occasionally glanced at Lex to see if his mouth was moving at all. Most of the time it wasn't. For the remainder of the meal, Steven watched Lex's feet tapping rhythmically through the transparent tabletop.

"Did something happen at school today?" Steven asked. It had taken him all of dinner to communicate his question. "Should I make something that's easier for you to eat?"

Lex shook his head. "It doesn't hurt."

It did hurt.

"Should I talk to your teacher?" Steven lifted his glasses to scratch under the frame. "Or the principal?"

Lex quickly declined the offer. "It was just a small misunderstanding." And if Steven went to the principal, he would surely be informed about the incident with Andre.

There was a fine line between being a parent and being intrusive. Steven didn't know which side of the line he was on – he didn't know where it was, or how close he was to it. Having a stranger suddenly act like a parent would be overwhelming but acting like a stranger would be hurtful. Steven's own situation was unusual; becoming a father to a teenager overnight wasn't an ordinary experience, but he imagined that the circumstance was even more bizarre from Lex's perspective.

After reading Lex's file, Steven felt immense guilt. Things could have been prevented if he'd had someone to protect him. It didn't matter that he was safe now, Steven would hold onto that guilt forever.

But Lex didn't blame him, how could he? If Steven had known that Lex existed, it would have been different, but he didn't.

"I'm not trying to act like your dad," Steven wanted to make that clear. He wasn't trying to force himself into Lex's life and suddenly act like a father. "But I do care about you."

Steven looked at Lex to gage his reaction. There wasn't one. "I just wanted you to know that."

Lex put down his utensils. He watched for a while as Steven's legs twisted and untwisted themselves under the table. When Lex first met Steven, he found him very composed and calm – too calm for someone who had just gained a son, and a grown up one at that. They were sitting in Vanessa's office, discussing the arrangement. It was only a consultation to talk through the "possibilities". Lex was weary about "possibilities" because they usually led to this other thing; "disappointment". But Steven agreed on the spot. No hesitation. His voice didn't so much as waver in doubt.

What Lex saw now, was a person who had learned to act composed, not someone who was composed. The other quality Lex saw in Steven was somebody who was trying.

That's what mattered the most to Lex. The fact that Steven was trying was good enough.

"You're right, you aren't my dad," Lex said after a long period of silence. He saw Steven's shoulders deflate like a sad balloon, and he quickly added, "because you haven't earned that title yet."

Lex picked up his fork and scooped up some rice. "As long as you make an effort, so will I."

He ate the whole meal that night.

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The next week, Lex made an effort to tell Steven where he was going and when he would be back. He never asked for permission, but Steven figured it was better to let Lex take the lead on that front. It wasn't as though he had proven himself to be irresponsible anyway.

The same week, Robbie attended homeroom every day. He arrived on time and left with everybody else.

"Are you feeling okay?" Gus asked finally asked. It was Friday. For the first few days of the week, Robbie's presence made sense because he was required to attend at least a couple of times a week.

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, you told me not long ago that "homeroom is a waste of time and space"." Gus used his fingers as quotations and altered his voice in attempt to impersonate Robbie.

"I still think that," Robbie said. He was picking at a hole in the desk. Someone had spent a lot of time chiselling away at it with their pencil. "And I don't sound like that."

Gus sat back and crossed one of his legs over the other. "You sound exactly like that."

Robbie scowled in response and Gus laughed.

"Didn't you say that Mrs Holiday only reports you if you show up less than three times a week? What's with the sudden dutiful student act? Or is it that you miss me?"

Gus acted like it was a joke, but he secretly hoped it was true. They didn't share many classes together, and those that they did, Robbie didn't really participate in. Gus learned more efficiently when he was surrounded by people who were as active as he was in class. With that in mind, homeroom was the only place that Gus got time alone with Robbie.

"It's twice a week, that's the arrangement we agreed upon," Robbie said, selecting only that part of Gus' question to respond to.

"And...?" Gus prompted.

"And," Robbie's gaze slid across to the other side of the room. He quickly forced his attention back to Gus. "There's nothing else to tell you."

But it was too late. Gus had already seen where Robbie was looking.

Lex was next to the window, looking out into the courtyard, with no idea of the seeds of resentment that his mere existence was sewing.

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As always, let me know what you think.