the killing kind - (lgbt | onc 2022)

3

"Yeah. Our home."

"I still don't remember much about it," Jasper admitted. "Just the name."

"That's okay. You're doing amazing, Jas. Better than any of us expected—the others will be thrilled."

"The others..." Jasper's attention drifted. "I was close with them once, right?"

"Yeah. Declan's the medic, and Laura... well, she pretty much raised us. Took both of us in at different times, but we grew up here with her. She took care of us. That other girl was Mandy, she graduated a few years before us. There's a lot of people you'll meet that you knew really well, once."

Jasper's brow creased, gaze no longer focused on Kavi at all. When he spoke, wistfulness tinged his voice. "I wish I remembered them."

"You will." Kavi squeezed his hand. It was easy to reassure, to believe what he was saying. "Declan thinks if we keep talking, everything will start to come back. And if today's been any indication, he's right." He was on the very edge of his chair now, Jasper's hand clasped tightly between his as he searched the other boy's face. "I'll bring you back, Jas, I promise."

"Please do." For the first time, Jasper's voice trembled, losing strength. "I'm—kind of fucking terrified, Kav."

He remembered that nickname. Kavi's heart skipped a beat and he struggled to pay attention to what he was saying.

"I mean, I just woke up a few days ago covered in blood. And now I wake up here and I hurt all over and there's this—" He reached up, gingerly touching the white gauze Declan had wrapped around his head.

Kavi's smile dropped, along with his stomach. "You—don't remember last night?"

Jasper retreated into himself again before Kavi's very eyes. The hand Kavi held tightened, fingers curling as his shoulders tensed. Kavi rushed to remedy his mistake, leaning in.

"It's okay, Jas, just... tell me what you remember, okay?"

Jasper had the same look on his face that he'd worn two years ago, when a younger and more stupid Kavi had blacked out at a friend's house. Weighed down by a stomach full of cheap booze that tasted like the preschool teacher's whiteboard markers, he'd collapsed on the sofa and half-woken to blurry glimpses of Jasper's troubled expression hovering over him, fuzzy around the edges and angelic through the dim house lights. Their friends' worried conversation had faded to a meaningless rush in the background, like the burble of a stream flowing around and through him.

"Why'd you call him?" He remembered whining, the complaint coming out as a few slurred syllables. "I'm fine, you weren't supposed to call him."

Would Jasper remember that eventually? Kavi hoped so, despite the embarrassment of his boyfriend having to sneak him back into the house and desperately hoping Laura wouldn't hear the sound of his shoes hitting the floor as he struggled to take them off.

"I remember being in that house," Jasper said. "Declan's. I remember talking to him. And then I was here." He locked eyes with Kavi, expression stricken and pleading. "What happened?"

"You—" the warmth Kavi felt was gone, replaced by a frigid chill that hugged his bones. He evened his voice, not wanting to send Jasper faster into the quickly-encroaching panic. "Declan tried to reassure you and you... freaked out. Attacked Mandy—I thought for sure you'd kill her. So Laura brained you with a rolling pin and brought you here."

The blood had rushed from Jasper's face, leaving him ashen and wide-eyed.

"Oh," he said at last, not much more than a whisper.

"You don't remember that?" Kavi asked again. Jasper pulled his hand away, leaving Kavi feeling colder and emptier than before.

"It's coming back now." Jasper rubbed at the bridge of his nose, then buried his face in his one free hand. "Fuck. That's why I'm—" he gave the cuff a rattling, halfhearted tug.

Kavi just nodded.

"I didn't want to hurt anyone. Shit, Kavi. I swear. What the fuck was I thinking?"

"You're alright, Jas." Kavi slipped off the chair, trying to get a hold of Jasper's hand again. He jolted away from Kavi's touch, resisting it. "Mandy's fine. We're all fine. It'll be okay."

"No, it won't!" Jasper seethed. "You don't understand, Kavi. I didn't want to hurt those soldiers, either. I remember it now."

"What soldiers?" Kavi couldn't think.

"When I escaped, I killed them. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it." Jasper's pupils were expanding, stare wild and intense. "There's something inside me, Kav. It takes over, and I can't do anything about it."

Kavi could hear his heartbeat in his skull, pounding behind his eyes and blinding him. He opened his mouth in an attempt to say something—anything—but before he could, a knock sounded on the door and Laura let herself in.

Her gaze flicked between the two of them, both of the bedroom's inhabitants visibly upset.

"Is everything okay?"

Kavi struggled to calm his breathing; Jasper wouldn't calm down unless he did first.

"We're okay," he said, willing himself to believe it. He extended a cautious reach towards Jasper's hand, and this time, he didn't pull away. "Right, Jas? We're alright. Everything will be okay."

Jasper managed a nod, shoulders slumping as he returned to his solemn, almost shell-shocked state. Then he blinked, looking up at Laura.

"I'm... really sorry, Laura. About last night. I didn't mean to hurt anyone."

Kavi watched the woman's face soften. "It's alright, Jasper. It's good to have you back. We all just want to help you here, okay?"

He nodded, a barely noticeable gesture.

"And I'm sorry about this whole... situation." She gestured vaguely at the door. "But I'm sure you understand why we need to monitor you for now. I'll bring in some things for you so you don't get too bored in here—there's already your old books and music, but we can get more."

"Thank you. I do get it, really." Jasper paused. "I don't remember you yet, but I will."

Laura smiled, but Kavi saw the way the morning sunlight caught on a watery glint in her eyes. "Okay." She blinked it away, focusing on Kavi. "And I came to tell you not to forget that you're on barn duty today. Jana wants you to spread the rat poison on top of the rest of the regular barn chores."

"Yeah. I'm just not quite done here yet." Kavi turned back to Jasper and studied him, staring into his eyes. He'd painted those eyes, once, with a fine-tipped brush dipped in gold. If he painted Jasper again now, he'd have to try and capture the sharper jut of his cheekbones, and the way his cheeks had hollowed in. Would it be possible to recreate the starved look he held?

"Jas," he asked, "can you tell me anything about what happened? Who did this to you, or why?"

Jasper was silent, chewing on the inside of his cheek the way he always did when he was thinking. His gaze flitted up to Laura, who'd gone silent in the doorway.

If you can't trust her, please trust me.

He hesitated a moment longer, then opened his mouth.

"They wanted a weapon."