Cruising Through The Clouds (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 20

Kabanata 20

Meant

WE spent the whole day strolling around, and it made me so happy. I enjoy the whole day of being with Anthony. He even brought me to his place here in Washington. Kung hindi lang namin kailangang umuwi dahil may duty na kami ay hindi pa sana gustong umuwi ni Anthony.

I also received a call from Galan while we were at Anthony's place. And I knew that Anthony saw it, hindi lang nito sinabi. Not that he needs to tell me, kasi alam naman ni Anthony na walang namamagitan sa amin aside from being fuck buddies. And Galan and I broke up already.

I sighed heavily and closed my eyes.

Isang buwan na rin ang nakaraan simula noong naghiwalay kami ni Galan... and it's more than a month of being with Anthony.

I closed my eyes tightly when I felt my stomach churn. Noong isang araw ko pa ito naramdaman at bahagya na akong kinabahan. I know the possibilities of what happened between Anthony and me. I am not a high schooler anymore.

My phone beeped for a message, kaya nilapitan ko ito and I saw Anthony's name flashed on the screen.

I sighed before I opened his message.

I haven't seen you on a plane. Aren't you going to work?

I sighed again and started to type.

'I have important things to do. I file for two days absence.'

Naghahanda na ako sa sarili at hindi ko na hinintay pa ang reply ni Anthony. Kailangan kong siguraduhin ang hinala ko. I need to go to the ob-gyn for confirmation. Dahil kung tama ang hinala ko, I need to be extra careful.

I had an appointment for a checkup last night, kaya pagdating ko sa clinic ay agad akong inasikaso ng assistant ng doctor.

I let out a loud breath. Kinakabahan ako sa magiging resulta. I know for myself that I'm ready for whatever the result is. Pero hindi ko lang magawang pakalmahin ang sarili ko.

There were so many what if's running in my mind... and it scares me.

"Congratulations, Ma'am Villacote, you are five weeks pregnant."

I literally stopped breathing for a moment after the doctor announced that I was really pregnant. And while he's telling me the things that I need to do and the things that I don't need, hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng saya at lungkot.

My heart ached because of happiness. I'm so happy because I'm having a baby... I'll become a mother. At the same time, ay malungkot ako... natatakot ako. I'm afraid that if I tell Anthony about this, he'll reject me; he won't believe me. I don't want it to happen. I don't want my baby to get rejected... okay na 'yong ako na lang, ako na lang ang masaktan, ako na lang ang ma-reject... just not my baby, kasi hindi ko kakayanin for sure. Kasi sigurado akong ayaw ni Anthony na magkaroon ng responsibilidad. He is a playboy... a chic magnet that surely doesn't want any responsibilities.

Hanggang sa nakabalik ako sa DIA building ay iyon ang nasa isip ko. Nakatulogan jko rin ang kaka-isip sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. Nagising lang ako nang makaramdam ako ng gutom. Hindi pa sana ako babangon kung hindi ko lang naalala na hindi lang sarili ko ang dapat kong ingatan ngayon. Dalawa na kami.

Bumaba ako para sa restaurant na lang kumain. Wala ako sa mood para maghanda ng kakainin.

I slightly close my eyes nang tumama ang panghapong sinag ng araw sa mga mata ko. I sat down in the corner near the glass wall, where I could see the whole alley and the planes that were parked there.

The scenery in front of me satisfies me so much. Mga ganitong tanawin ang hinding-hindi ko pagsasawaang panuorin. It calms me to see a wide alley with all the planes on it. My aviator heart will always cry for this.

I started eating when the waiter finished putting down the food I ordered. Medyo marami ang in-order ko kumpara sa kadalasang kinakain ko. And I eat more vegetables and fruits now. I need to eat healthy foods.

"Emelane..."

Napatigil ako sa pagsubo at nag-angat ng tingin dahil sa tumawag sa akin, and I wasn't wrong when I heard Galan's voice.

Standing in front of me with his usual boyish look, Galan looks more mature than the last time I saw him. His stubble is visible on his jaw, and his eyes were puffy. He looked stressed out.

I cleared the lump from my throat and drank some water.

"May I sit here?" Galan's eyes are pleading. I slightly nodded at him.

Ilang sandali ko munang tinitigan si Galan bago ako tumikhim ulit nang maproseso ang nakita.

"What are you doing here?" agad na tanong ko. Galan shifted his weight.

"How are you?" Imbes na sagutin ang tanong ko, ay iyon ang tanong ni Galan sa akin.

I sighed.

"I'm totally fine, as you can see," I sarcastically said, though it's true, hindi ko lang maiwasang magtunog bitter sa tanong nito. Nagawa na niya akong tanongin kung kumusta ako after what he did. After everything I did for him, hindi niya man lang magawang tumawag sa akin noon. Mas may oras pa siyang mambabae keysa kumustahin ako, kung humihinga pa ba ako.

"Now tell me, what are you doing here?" ulit ko.

"I just came here to say sorry for what I did..." Mapait akong ngumisi. Every bit of bitterness I have in my body just slowly came out.

Sorry. He's sorry.

"I'm sorry if I played you," he added.

Mas lalo akong nakaramdam ng hinanakit kay Galan. He played me. And yes, he did. But I won't accept that for his contentment... because somehow, I realized something.

"You think you played me?" Ngumisi ako at humalukipkip para itago ang pait sa boses at sakit na naramdaman ko. I need to raise my standard. I need to protect my ego, kasi kung hahayaan ko si Galan, ako rin ang kawawa.

Galan looked down, pero nag-angat din ng tingin kalaunan.

"You think you played me but ended up losing? I mean, what did I lose? A boy who didn't appreciate what I did for him?"

I paused and looked at Galan straight in the eyes. He remained silent, and his eyes were as gentle as the first time we met, kabaliktaran sa mga mata ko ngayon na kulag na lang ay maglabas ng mga patalim. Yes, I held grudges against those who threw all my efforts in the trash.

"And what did you let go of? A woman that would go out of her way to please you and someone that rode with you through thick and thin. A woman who loved you regardless of your flaws. Yes, I'll admit, you can easily replace me..."

Nasaktan ako sa sinabi ko kasi totoo 'yon. He replaced me just like that. He didn't contact me, and the moment he answered my call, that's when I learned that he was cheating on me.

"... but a woman like me? Good luck finding a woman who will put up with you like I did... I'm sorry, but you played yourself, Galan."

I don't need to sugarcoat my words to avoid hurting him. In the first place, I wouldn't be in my situation now if he hadn't broken me like I deserved it.

I won't beg him to come back because I know I am not that kind of person. I wasn't raised just to get broken to a certain guy who did not appreciate my existence.

I'll stop breaking my own heart by trying to make a relationship work that clearly isn't meant to work. I can't force someone to care about me. I can't force someone to be loyal. I can't force someone to be the person I need them to be.

Sometimes, the person I want is the person I'm best off without.

I got to understand that some things are meant to happen, but not just meant to be. Some things are meant to come into my life, but not necessarily to stay.

I won't lose myself by trying to fix what's meant to stay broken. I can't get the relationship I need from someone who's not ready to give it to me. And I might not understand why now. Trust me. I don't put my happiness on hold for someone who isn't holding on to me.

Some chapters just have to close without closure. And that meant for us—with Galan.