Hamlet but it's Better

Act Five, Scene One

HAMLET: It makes this all feel so temporary (FIRST TOWNSPERSON tosses another skull). My god, there's another person. Right there. A lawyer, a farmer, somebody. Somebody who is no one now.

HORATIO: I'm sure they're still someone to somebody.

HAMLET: Is parchment made of sheepskin?

HORATIO: Yes, and calf skin, too.

HAMLET: Hey! Grave digger! Whose grave is this?

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Mine.

HAMLET: Well, I suppose you are standing in it.

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Oh, you're sharp. I dug it, so it's mine.

Hamlet: You liar. Graves are for the dead.

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Well, living itself is a lie.

HAMLET: I see. Well, then, who are you digging this grave for?

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: No one. There's a woman who is going to be buried here, but now she's dead, so she's not really a person anymore.

HAMLET: Oh, I like you. We should be friends.

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Say, you've heard about the little Hamlet, haven't you? Poor guy. My first day as a gravedigger was when his father overcame King Fortinbras--the big one.

HAMLET: How long ago was that?

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Everybody knows that. It was the day little Hamlet was born. Did you hear he went crazy and was sent to England?

HAMLET: Did he? Was he? This is the first I've heard of this.

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: It's all anyone's been talking about. They say he'll get his wits about him while he's in England. That or the effects of his madness won't be so bad.

HAMLET: Why not?

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Because everyone in England is as crazy as he is.

HAMLET: How did he go crazy?

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: They say the circumstances are a little weird.

HAMLET: Weird?

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Just that someone who's so smart could lose all that.

HAMLET: It didn't happen in Denmark, did it?

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: It did.

HAMLET: Say, you know a lot about death. How long does a person take to decompose once buried?

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: Oh, eight years, nine years. Nine years if tanned--here, look at this skull. It's been here twenty-three years.

HAMLET: Who's was it?

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: I do believe that it was Yorick, the king's jester.

HAMLET: Really? Could it be?

FIRST TOWNSPERSON: I'm sure of it.

HAMLET: (Takes skull) I knew Yorick. He carried me around the castle when I was a little lad. Now, he's got no more merriness left in him.Is he really Yorick at all? Horatio, could you tell me something?

HORATIO: Tell you what?

HAMLET: Do you think that Alexander the Great smelled this bad when he died?

HORATIO: I mean, probably.

HAMLET: Alexander died, he was buried, and now he's dust. We could be standing on Alexander right now, and we wouldn't even know it. Hey, quiet a second. (Enter CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, LAERTES, a PRIEST, and a coffin carried by attendants) This is kind of a royal funeral to take place in the middle of the night in the spooky woods. (HAMLET and HORATIO hide behind a tree)