Hamlet but it's Better

Act One, Scene Three

Location: a room in Polonius's house

(LAERTES and OPHELIA enter)

LAERTES: Welp, I've got my bags, boarding pass, all that stuff. Guess I'm off. Oh, and sister-mine, if some handsome suitor is happily available, please don't sleep with him.

OPHELIA: Laertes, politely, shut up. Nothing's happening.

LAERTES: Oh, I think you know what I'm talking about. Hamlet? Just so you know, while he might be the one now, he'll forget you soon enough.

OPHELIA: You don't know that.

LAERTES: Think about it. Maybe he loves you now, but Hamlet is a prince. And someday, he'll be a king. You don't really think his betters will let him pick a lover for himself, do you? A marriage has probably been arranged for him since the day he was born. Just remember that. Please.

OPHELIA: Fine, I'll remember, I'll remember. Oh, and by the way, have fun in France, Laertes. Safe, protected fun. (winks)

LAERTES: (groans) C'mon, you know I--oh fck, Dad's coming. (POLONIUS enters) What's up, daddio?

POLONIUS: Oh, you know your old man couldn't let you leave without saying goodbye. Remember, son. Don't do anything you know is wrong. Remember yourself, and remember who your true, trusted friends are. Hold on to them. France is all full of eye candy, but you have to stand your ground and resist. Do not become another parable.

LAERTES: I love you. Goodbye, Dad.

POLONIUS: Your servants are waiting.

LAERTES: Remember our chat, Ophelia.

OPHELIA: Couldn't forget it if I tried. And believe me, I've tried.

LAERTES: Whatever you say. (exits)

POLONIUS: And what "little chat" was Laertes referencing?

OPHELIA: Laertes believes there is something between Hamlet and I, which is absolutely ridic-

POLONIUS: Please don't finish that sentence. I've heard of your relationship with Hamlet, and it's disturbing. Please tell me the truth.

OPHELIA: I mean, he told me he's crushing on me, but that's it.

POLONIUS: You are a bad liar, Ophelia. Now, you can't believe he truly loves you.

OPHELIA: I don't know what's love and what's not.

POLONIUS: Jesus Christ. You're a child. Now, I don't know how many times I've had to tell you this, but stop. Be smart about this.

OPHELIA: But he loves me! And I love him back.

POLONIUS: It's a whim for him, child!

OPHELIA: He's told me. He tells me every day that he loves me to heaven and back!

POLONIUS: Mark my words. This love, as you call it, it's made of passion and impulse. It will fan out as soon as it's ignited. So you leave me with no choice: I command you never to speak to him ever again. Do you understand me, child?

OPHELIA: (pauses) Yes, father. (exit POLONIUS and OPHELIA)