Hamlet but it's Better

Act One, Scene Five

Location: A platform outside the castle

(enter HAMLET and GHOST)

HAMLET: All right, ghost with the most. What's popping?

GHOST: Mark me.

HAMLET: Sure.

GHOST: My hour is almost come, when I to sulfurous and tormenting flames must render up myself.

HAMLET: Wow. That sucks, man.

GHOST: Pity me not, but lend thy serious hearing to what I shall unfold.

HAMLET: I mean, that's kind of why I followed you in the first place.

GHOST: So art thou to revenge, when thou shalt hear.

HAMLET: ...say what?

GHOST: I am thy father's spirit; doom'd for a certain term to walk the night, and for the day confin'd to fast in fires, till the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purg'd away. But that I am forbid to tell the secrets of my prison-house, I could a tale unfold whose lightest word would harrow up thy soul, freeze thy young blood, make thy two eyes like tars start from their spheres, thy knotted and combined locks to part, and each particular hair to stand on end, like quills upon the fretful porpentine: but this eternal blazon must not be to ears of flesh and blood. Lis, list, O list! If thou didst ever thy dear father love--

HAMLET: Get on with it.

GHOST: Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.

HAMLET: ...murder? Dad, you were bitten by a snake in your sleep. Nobody killed you.

GHOST: Murder most foul, as in the best it is; but this most foul, strange, and unnatural.

Hamlet: If you want me to avenge you or whatever, you're going to have to tell me what happened.

GHOST: I find thee apt, and duller shouldst thou be than the fat weed that rots itself in ease on Lethe wharf, wouldst thou not stir in this. Now, Hamlet, hear. Tis given out that, sleeping in my orchard, A serpent stung me. So the whole ear of Denmark Is by a forgèd process of my death Rankly abused. But know, thou noble youth,The serpent that did sting thy father's life now wears his crown.

HAMLET: Now, I'm not going to say "I told you so" but...HAHAHA I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT WAS CLAUDIUS THIS WHOLE FCKING TIME.

GHOST: Ay, that incestuous, that adulterate beast, With witchcraft of his wit, with traitorous gifts—O wicked wit and gifts, that have the power So to seduce!—won to his shameful lust The will of my most seeming-virtuous queen. O Hamlet, what a falling off was there! From me, whose love was of that dignity That it went hand in hand even with the vow I made to her in marriage, and to decline Upon a wretch whose natural gifts were poor To those of mine. But virtue, as it never will be moved, Though lewdness court it in a shape of heaven, So lust, though to a radiant angel linked, Will sate itself in a celestial bed And prey on garbage. But soft! Methinks I scent the morning air. Brief let me be. Sleeping within my orchard, My custom always of the afternoon, Upon my secure hour thy uncle stole With juice of cursed hebenon in a vial, And in the porches of my ears did pour The leperous distilment, whose effect Holds such an enmity with blood of man That swift as quicksilver it courses through The natural gates and alleys of the body And with a sudden vigor doth posset And curd, like eager droppings into milk, The thin and wholesome blood. So did it mine. And a most instant tetter barked about, Most lazar-like, with vile and loathsome crust All my smooth body. Thus was I, sleeping, by a brother's hand Of life, of crown, of queen at once dispatched, Cut off even in the blossoms of my sin, Unhouseled, disappointed, unaneled. No reckoning made, but sent to my account With all my imperfections on my head. Oh, horrible, oh, horrible, most horrible! If thou hast nature in thee, bear it not. Let not the royal bed of Denmark be A couch for luxury and damnèd incest. But howsoever thou pursuest this act, Taint not thy mind, nor let thy soul contrive Against thy mother aught. Leave her to heaven And to those thorns that in her bosom lodge To prick and sting her. Fare thee well at once, The glowworm shows the matin to be near, And 'gins to pale his uneffectual fire. Adieu, adieu, adieu. Remember me. (the GHOST leaves)