Hamlet but it's Better

Act Two, Scene Two

GERTRUDE: (tedious noises)

POLONIUS: You see, Hamlet is madly in love with my own daughter, Ophelia! And I have proof! (dramatically pulls letter out of his nose) This is a letter sent from your son to my daughter: Oh, heavenly Ophelia, with your breasts bouncing boobily-

GERTRUDE: This is Hamlet we're talking about? The man who'd rather go to school than be a prince?

POLONIUS: The very same. Though we are apart, never doubt I love you more than life. I don't have words for how much my body misses yours but that it does, my lovely. I will always be yours. Love, Hamlet. Now, I told Ophelia not to talk to him or write to him or see him at all, and I never expected this true, real love.

CLAUDIUS: All for love?

POLONIUS: I do believe this madness is my fault. What do you think of me?

CLAUDIUS: I think you made a wise decision, and I know you are faithful to me.

POLONIUS: I'll tell you what I think of this, but first, a word from our sponsors. The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start. Now, Hamlet has fallen into this madness in stages: he was sad, then he wouldn't eat, and it's all horrible to watch.

CLAUDIUS: You really think this is the cause?

GERTRUDE: I think it's a start.

POLONIUS: Have I ever let you down before?

CLAUDIUS: Not once.

POLONIUS: Well, if I'm wrong this time, I give you permission to decapitate me. Because I'm right. I'm sure I am.

CLAUDIUS: But how can we be sure?

Polonius: We'll send my daughter to him while he's on one of his mindless walks, and if he loves her, he won't be able to pull away.

GERTRUDE: This sounds like a solid, foolproof plan. We will try it.

POLONIUS: Excellent. Sounds like a plan. (Exit all but POLONIUS. Enter HAMLET. He's staring at an upside down book). Ah, Hamlet! How are you today?

HAMLET: Just fine. Thank God.

POLONIUS: Do you know who I am?

HAMLET: Oh yes! I...actually, I'm not quite sure. You either sell fish at the markets, or you work at a brothel.

POLONIUS: Why, a bro--no, my lord.

HAMLET: Oh, really? I thought you were an honest man.

POLONIUS: Am I not an honest man?

HAMLET: Well, don't feel so bad about it. Most men aren't. You just aren't not like other girls.

POLONIUS: Can't argue on that.

HAMLET: Do you suppose that the sun puts maggots in dogs....oh, never mind. Do you have a daughter?

POLONIUS: Yes.. don't you...never mind.

HAMLET: Then, tell her that she is a dead dog. Because she is a dead dog, tell her not to walk in the sun, otherwise the sun will impregnate her, and she will give birth to maggots. And if I'm a sunny fellow (straightens collar) you may be about to be a granddaddy.