Girl made of Beast

The Beginning

Tossing and turning, not once did she sleep well at night. The pillows dragged with her unconscious arms, and monopolized the blanket. From the one window at the far end of the room, a blue hue cast over our bodies and I lie awake.

I'd awoken after her legs got tangled in mine and she promptly took action to twist around. Before we lied down, she remain at one end and myself the other. She wasn't one to coddle, like the maverick of her brain broke into her sleeping mind. In the mornings I'd awaken to pillows tossed on the floor and the blanket wrapped around her body, leaving me in the cold. I didn't wake up with her in my arms, didn't kiss her awake or spoon into her side. I'd awake far away from her, and the feeling longed through out the day. As if there she lay, two pillows away but it just never felt right to nestle her next to me.

She starts to stir again, rolling her body in awkward shifts to face mine. I near hold my breath trying to form shapes in the darkness, mostly focusing on her face. She rests her head on the elbow of my awkwardly bent arm, crashing her curled up legs into my thighs. I remained still and unmoving, waiting for her to dislike the array and twist again, but she doesn't. I exhale, my hot breath affecting fly always covering her forehead. She is so small, next to me. The weight of her skull aches my arm and I softly groan as one knee hits roughly against my waist. I let her be, despite my bad comfort. The positioning wouldn't last long, and maybe in the morning I'd remember her calm nuzzling into me.

An owl hooted again outdoors, and I damn near jumped expecting her eyes to spark open and obey the call of nature. Only they didn't, and she lied here with even breaths that soon became my own. Asleep, so was the beast. No evil intentions lurked behind her eyelids at this late hour.

It got me thinking, staring at her. What did I think of her? I was so controlled by what society thought of her. Did I think she was submissive? Did I think she was beautiful? Did I think she was perfect? I'd witnessed her walking away from me, witnessed her pale complexion of pink, witnessed her terrible way of being.

What did I think of her bearing my children?

I giddied myself with exhaust, wondering If I'd ever let that happen. I couldn't, it'd damage society. They'd be terrible rulers, no courage with no leadership. They might not even make it to a mature age, if I let them be raised by an animal.

I don't think she'd be cruel, or rude. I think she'd remain silent, unemotional. That's no way to upring a baby, they learn from parents happy and sad. Left in the care of her, I think she'd ignore their cries until they fell asleep. I think she'd confuse the cry of hunger with the cry of hygiene. I think she'd let the bath run without attendance. I think she'd let them wander off only to be lost, and her unattached strings would have no morals.

I use people, I make myself the perfect child. I always blame my faults on other people!

Would the child being lost, be my fault? Would she make herself look so perfect and innocent, as if the child had a mind of it's own? I couldn't dare let her have my children. They'd grow up with a raging monster inside of their heads. They'd let themselves be bossed around, objectified. They wouldn't be able to tell love from lust or complication from hate. They'd be miserable and lost. She'd shed no guidance, not when she still looked at me for permission to speak with my mother. She was still searching for her inner self anyways, and she always would as long as that beast attacks any time she tries to.

It was so much easier in the beginning, when I didn't know about the animal within. I shake my head, thinking back to it. It was how she came to lie here right now, at my side. It seemed ridiculous, so abnormal considering we managed to stay together afterwards. I look at the blue of her face again, blonde lashes peeking out. I knew she was in a deep sleep from the consistent movement under her lids. She was so peaceful in this moment.