Trusting Love

1

Humans live in a loop. You get up every day at the same time, follow your daily routine that sucks the life out of you only to desire your bed by the end of the day and start all over. The world is a competition whether you are in school or out in the conniving career world.

What's wrong with not going to college and just working in retail full-time? Or by all means any type of "low-life" job that doesn't acquire a diploma? What is the problem if you can survive on it and live a more peaceful life doing things in the world like actually matter, like thinking about your mental health and spending time with those you love?

I could literally get hit by a bus tomorrow and here I am pressuring myself about my future and spending thousands of dollars to hopefully get a high salary when I graduate. Is it all worth it? To sit at some boring office job and be belittled by your asshole of a boss?

Thanks, but no thanks.

"Isla, are you even listening to me?" my best friend Cody asks while poking me in the side with his pen.

"Errr, no sorry, I wasn't," I admit with a sheepish smile while I doodle in my notebook.

"Where did your mind take you this time?" he jokes.

I'm not a pessimist if that's what you're thinking. I'm pretty much a hypocrite just like the rest of the world following the order of society. Ironically, to make me even more of a hypocrite, I'm thinking these thoughts while waiting for my English lecture to start.

It's just sometimes, I feel different from others and not in the pick me girl kind of way. I genuinely can't turn my brain off at times that leads me diving into the deepest ocean of thoughts, exposing how I truly feel about things; our worldy order being one for example. I feel smarter than others sometimes, knowing how analytical I am. Other times, it just is downright exhausting to have your thoughts intrude in on you all the time.

"Are you coming to the game tonight?" Cody asks me with an excited smile on his face.

"Yes," I hum. "You know I wouldn't miss your first game."

Cody has been ecstatic about joining the team a month into the season starting after a spot opened up just last week. He's given it more than his all for the past 4 years of his life in high school and was now entering a whole new level of basketball at our college. Saying I was proud of him would be an understatement. His wins are my wins.

"And you're also coming to the afterparty at Zach's?" he whispers into my ear, brushing his nose against my neck in attempt to annoy me.

I push him away after he's made the hairs on my neck rise, scrunching my nose in disgust.

"No way," I scoff.

"Come on," he pouts. "You never go to any parties with me. We're in college, dude. You need to live a little more."

"I do live," I insist. "Just not at parties."

"You mean wherever the rest of the male species are at," he rolls his eyes.

"Ding, ding, ding, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner," I sing, punching his shoulder.

"It's been over a year, Isla. You can't avoid guys forever. Why would it be so bad putting yourself back out there? You're doing so much better. You've healed."

Although, he's been there for me for every step of the way, he doesn't understand. None of my friends do. It's been over a year since the breakup. He's right, I have healed but I still carry mental scars around me every day.

Dean was the worst boyfriend ever. He was my first everything and he ruined what I thought of relationships and love. Dean was the Webster definition of narcissist. He bullied me, compared me to other girls, gaslighted me and even physically abused me towards the end of the relationship.

I hated the person I was when I was with him. Before, I was confident girl who didn't mind flirting with guys and just had fun dating. Then, I met Dean and it got serious fast and I fell faster. I was weak. I forgave him for every mistake thinking if he screwed up once that he wouldn't do it again and even if he made every mistake a person could make, its not like the list of mistakes would never end, right? WRONG. Like I said, I was a weak person, and I couldn't leave the guy.

It's taken over a year but I'm doing way better. I rarely think about the asshole, and I definitely don't miss him. I just fear seeing him somewhere in public. I just don't know how I would react to that. Other than that, for the most part, I really am okay.

I can't even explain it myself. It's just that I have no interest in dating or talking to guys. Also, yes, there is a slight fear of talking to them. I am slightly intimidated. I feel like I've forgotten what its like to get to know a guy for the first time after being in a relationship for four years. Hell, I really thought I was gonna marry Dean. A year ago, I was devastated. Today, I thank the gods for ending my relationship.

Of course, I know that not every relationship is like the one I had. I have just lost the interest of even trying for something better. Truth is, I am in love with love. However, I am personally content with the love I see in unrealistic movies. That's what I want but I know its unattainable in this world we live in.

Relationships nowadays suck anyways. What's the point? Even the happiest of couples break up in the end. I'm sorry to say it but its true. All my favorite Youtube couples, celebrity couples or even the people around me don't make it to the very end. So, why even begin a relationship? So, I can go over the grieving process of a breakup again? Like I said.

Thanks, but no thanks.

"I've tried, you know that," I insist, mentally cringing to the only two first dates I've had since being single.

"That's not trying. That's giving up. Isla, you've shown me your dm's and the amount of guys begging to go out with you. You don't even give em chance. What if you missed out on a good guy?"

"Please," I snort. "I don't think I have."

"Whatever, its beside the point. You don't have to go and get guys. I just want you there. Imagine I make a winning shot tonight and I go to the party without my best friend to celebrate with," he frowns.

I stare into his light blue eyes and start to feel sympathy for the guy. He's right, I avoid all full places with the opposite sex just because I don't want to put myself out there. While doing that, I miss out on probably what could've been fun nights with my best friend.

I clasp my hands together while my lips turn into a thing straight line. "Alright. I'll go to the party IF you make the winning shot tonight," I decide.

"Well, well, well, Miss. James, you have motivated me for tonight," he beams. "Game on."

"Don't get cocky, Clark," I roll my eyes, while our professor walks into the hall ten minutes late.

We both turn our attention to the front and I battle with the feeling of hoping my best friend won't make a shot tonight so I don't have to go and also wanting him to do his best.

Please let me know if you've liked the beginning so far!